Breaking up is hard to do

Lot's of stuff today:

1. I broke up with Yahoo.

That might seem small, but it's really not. For a while now I've been addicted to ridiculous news articles, commenting, critiquing, becoming enraged by the stupidity that passes for news on the Internet. It's been frustrating and just plain bad. It brings out the worst in me and I've decided I don't like it. As much fun as it can be to go grammar police all over a poorly written headline or call out some internet journalist on their lack of research or their obvious lockstepping for whatever media outlet is making money off of disseminating false or inflammatory information - I never really feel good after having done so. Not that Yahoo news doesn't need a constant reminder that it serves no useful purpose in this world because it does [need a constant reminder], but I've just decided my time is better spent. So I changed my homepage to Google. I know. Google is a demon also, but at least I won't be hooked into arguments with insipid headlines for 45 minutes every time I log on the computer with the intent to get some real work done. Half the time, by the time I've commented and complained about everything that requires comment and complaint, I'm too worn out to do anything useful.

On that note, today I went for a walk in the park and took the above picture. A much better network to be surfing...

2. The transplanted polka dot plants were faking being happy. Today the larger one practically wilted and died before my eyes. It even had roots - so it wasn't like it hadn't grown. I don't know what went wrong except perhaps - and I hate to admit this - I may have over-watered it. The remaining one is limp and listless but it's still standing up right so I'm giving it air and letting it rest.

3. I'm thinking of genre hopping. And by that I don't mean sub-genre hopping - I mean main genre hopping. I've been so bored lately with my subject matter that I'm starting to think maybe it's time to really step out of my comfort zone and make the leap to a whole new world. It's better than quitting, and while it means some half finished projects may languish forever, it could mean that I can revitalize my muse and get excited about creating again.

Polka Dots!

I've been worried that the polka-dot plants I relegated to the safety of my home office to protect them from the cats weren't getting enough light, but apparently they like their habitat because one of them has produced a gorgeous little purple flower that looks like a cross between and iris and an orchid.

Likewise the cuttings I took last week and planted in potting soil seem to have taken hold. They're growing new leaves and enjoying the humid atmosphere in the half soda-bottle I'm using as a green house.

One potato, two potato

The potatoes have come a long way. They're such gorgeous plants. I'm looking forward to seeing if they produce enough tiny potatoes for a side dish of roasted spuds some time in the fall.

Next year, I think potatoes will be one of my major crops.

Wish I was here

One of my favorite walks - a narrow plank pathway leading to the Atlantic.

Sometimes I think the reason I'm so out of sorts in the summer is because when you're doing the same thing you do all year, go to work, come home, make dinner, check e-mail, wash dishes, watch TV...whatever - it doesn't feel like summer.

I miss real summer - I want to have a summer where you spend most of the day in a wet bathing suit, with sand under your toes and the smell of BBQ in the air and you sit around in the evening with friends talking and laughing and watching the stars pop out in the sky one by one. If it isn't that - then it really isn't summer and summer that isn't really summer isn't really anything.

What's wrong with 'You should...'

I'm sure I'm guilty of it myself, but I promise to make an effort not to start conversations with other people with the words, "You should..."

It's not so much about making a suggestion as it seems to be about telling someone to do something because you would do it, or wish you could. It's not so much offensive as bothersome.

I've been told on a couple of occasions, 'You should make terrariums and sell them at craft shows.' Ugh.

To the people who have suggested it, it sounds like a great idea. Just start churning something out, assembly line style, and boom, start making a profit. Except that the people who have suggested this to me seem to have no idea that it's not just something I pull out of my butt. I had to assemble all of the supplies and to make a terrarium properly, it DOES in fact cost money. If you find things cheaply, such as at garage sales, where I like to find things, you're lucky if you can make a handful of things with the supplies you find. To go into business selling something you need a lot of product... and either your product needs to be consistent, so that you can create a viable pricing system and a production schedule, or your product needs to be individual enough that you can charge whatever you want for each individual item. Once you create a bunch of things, you have to transport them to where you're going to sell them for all this profit people assume you will make. And you probably have to pay for space at your sales venue - so hopefully a couple of sales will make up for that cost, otherwise it's just a big exercise in futility.

So, now you've got something that's a fun, creative craft project that has morphed into an expense for the proper supplies, time to create a decent amount of stock, store them until you're ready to sell them, transport them and pay for space. Now you're selling these items and people who buy them will have questions - can you answer all those questions?

How long will the plants live? I don't know.
What kind of plant is it? I'm not really sure.
How much light does it need? Some, I'm not sure.
How much water does it need? Water it once a week? Or more. Or less. I don't know. It's an experiment.
What if my cat eats it? What if my kid eats it? Don't let them do this.
Why not? Is it poisonous? I guess it could be.
How can you sell something that's poisonous? I'm selling it because someone who thinks they know better than me told me I SHOULD.
Can you customize it for me?  Not really, because I don't feel like it.
Can I return it if it dies? Not really.

And on and on. Maybe I over think things. But I didn't start making terrariums because I was looking for a new cottage industry. I've already got one business that's more trouble than it's worth [writing]. I really don't need another. What I need is a hobby that I enjoy, that's fun, that's isn't going to create stress in my life.

So, NO. I shouldn't make these and sell them. What I should do is what I want to do, not what other people tell me I should do.

Why I write

I saved this picture to my hard drive a long time ago because I thought it explained how I felt about writing. The stories go on in my head all the time, and getting them on paper is a way of clearing the clutter out of my brain - but lately...I think I've gotten too good at suppressing the voices.

I made a concentrated effort a while ago to be more focused, and get out of my head so that I could experience the world through more than just my computer screen. I spent a lot of years writing feverishly and editing and basically spending almost all of my time staring at my computer. I spent today doing that - after a long time of finding excuses not to do it. I started out with some household work, spent a good long time worrying over a revision of rights letter to a publisher that is very likely in the process of imploding, and then spent the rest of the day alternately avoiding working on my book and making infinitesimally small advances in my rough draft.

I managed to write part of a scene this evening and then hit a brick wall again, so I'm still on page one of chapter one of a book I really don't feel like writing. And the worst part is, I'm not sure I feel like writing anything at all. The love just isn't there right now and I'm worried that this time it's gone for good.

Writing is my talent. It's my gift. I've spent decades learning how to do it better, learning the art and the science of story telling, and I feel like I owe it to myself not to let that gift fade away, but I'm also just exhausted. The publishing industry sucks. Books just aren't as good as they used to be... sorry, but that's my opinion. Even my own work isn't as good as it used to be.

I don't want to churn out books. There are plenty of people doing that - and the rub is, they're making more money than me. I want to write stories that at least if no one else likes them I think the're good and lately it seems I don't even like my own writing. That's a problem.

Hopefully it's just the summer blues - I battle them every year. But I'm really starting to worry that I've spent too much time ignoring the voices and now they don't want to talk to me anymore.

A river runs through it...

I managed to hold off on making more terrariums until I had the day off. So 1/4 of my four day weekend was spent working on these.  This one is for my aunt. It's just a simple plant that needs good lighting. She has no pets, so she doesn't have to worry about feline interference. With no lid, it can grow as big as it wants and it will look like trees surrounding the little deer. The only problem with it is, like most of these projects, it's just too easy to make. It took me more time to assemble all my tools and supplies on the picnic table than it did to actually put the thing together.

And here's the lemonade dispenser terrarium. It turned out pretty good! I have no idea what the plants are since neither of them came with any identifying cards. Hopefully the light from the dining room window will be enough for them because that's where they're going to live for now.

I used the awesome pearly glass marbles to make a river running across the front of the property. The figures I glued to flat rocks work well, though they're a tiny bit too big to actually get through the door of the house. Hopefully, perspective-wise that little detail won't really be noticeable. 

So once again I procrastinated a day away. I know what I want to do with the story I need to write, I just can't seem to get myself to the point of actually sitting down and doing it. With these projects out of the way, hopefully I can devote the next three days to some actual work.

I had an idea

And it turned out to be a light bulb terrarium. Michael's sells the little light bulb jars for $1.99. Having looked at million of them on line I thought it would be too difficult to reclaim a real light bulb. This one is great because it stands on its own.

I will admit the cheat on this one - the plants are not real. I wanted something that was always going to look good and I really don't have a great place to keep a tiny jar like this that it will get decent light. 

In addition to my projects this weekend, I also got back on the stationary bike. I did only 10 minutes at first, but after re-charging my iPod and buying a few new songs, I was able to do a whole 30-minute workout this evening. I gave up the bike for a long time because, thanks to the myths perpetrated by the diet industry, the last time I used the bike it was for the purpose of losing weight. After 30 minutes a day for 3 months gained me a pound, I decided exercise was rubbish. It is if you want to lose weight, but I'm finally coming up on holding my own about not falling back into the weight loss mythology anymore. My concentration is on health - and I know I need to get more exercise just to stave off the stiff joints and the genetic pre-disposition I have to develop arthritis. I'm going to use the bike because I want to move, not because I want to lose. Hopefully having a proper goal in mind will help me stick with it and not become disgusted when it doesn't 'work'.

Life's a beach, in a jar

I mentioned my garage sale finds yesterday - here's the lemonade stand jar I got for $1. The spigot was broken, which was fine - I just removed it and glued a clear plastic gem over the hole. That will go in the back when the terrarium is finished.

The little house cost $2. It fits inside the jar perfectly. Today I picked up some preserved moss and a gorgeous set of river rocks in green and red and white.

As much as I want to run right out to Metropolitan and get more plants I'm forcing myself to wait until Thursday/Friday to start working on my next two live-plant projects because I've done so much procrastinating this weekend. [Still doing it, as you can see.] I'm trying to work up to sitting down and doing some actual writing, but the big, giant writer's block is weighing me down considerably.

Last night, having stumbled upon a photo while surfing, I made myself a beach memory bottle with the mason jar that used to house the caterpillars. I think it turned out pretty cute and gave me an excuse to use the scrap booking stickers I've been holding onto for a couple of years.

Yep, that's a cat investigating in the background. 

If I can't go to the beach, at least I can have one on my shelf. 

New projects

I've been busy since my visit to Metro Wholesale. I got wonderful little ferns to plant in the giant mason jar along with the mini-Stonehenge and Great Wall. It's a little disjointed as a theme for a terrarium, but one of these days I plan to add a mini-TARDIS to this one and then it will all make sense. This one has no moss in it - which I'm hoping will actually be a good thing.

This is a new outdoor garden I made in the plastic pot that used to hold parsley. The caterpillars ate all the parsley, so this one ended up with the tiny purple and white flowers. I love it! I want to go for a walk down the little cobbled lane.

I made another one built up with sea shells in a new terracotta pot. That one has the little flowers and baby's tears. It looks a little messy, but hopefully everything will take root and it will fill in nicely

Finally, I actually got two gorgeous salmon colored flowers on the plant in the desert terrarium. No feline mischief so far!

I got some great containers at garage sales today, so I have more projects in the offing. Yes, I'm running out of space for them, but I'm not running out of steam. Hopefully my little projects will give me inspiration over the winter, which I fear is going to be harsh this year, since the summer has been so mild. 

Fine fakery

I'm no longer the biggest fan of fake plants -they used to be my go to because of my brown thumb, but now that my thumbs are very slightly green, I have less affinity for plastic and silk.

Nevertheless, the felines despise real plants [which is why I have to put mine in glass] so on a table at the top of the stairs, a fake fern and a cute little owl statuette make for a nice, cat-proof display and they add a little maintenance-free greenery to the place.

Today, I stopped into Metropolitan Wholesale and found out the place is awesome! I picked up some ferns and some outdoor plants and a nice terra cotta pot for a reasonable price, so I spent the evening making more gardens. Pictures tomorrow! I started late, so I lost the light and I don't really know if they turned out okay or not, so hopefully they'll look okay in the morning. 

I really wonder what my sudden craving for green things is all about. I've spent years ignoring plants because they didn't seem to like me, and now I can't get enough of them. I actually spend more time on line looking at plant pictures than I used to spend looking at cat pictures! [Maybe that's why the cats hate the plants so much?]

When is a vacation not a vacation?

You'd think putting in for a week long vacation would make me happy, but I'm filled with anxiety after submitting my request for a week off in September.

It used to be the thought of staying home for a week doing nothing but writing filled me with joy. Now it fills me with dread. I'm actually terrified of wasting those 9 glorious days writing crap - or worse, writing nothing at all and accomplishing utter zilch.

Hopefully by the time that week rolls around I'll have figured out how to spend it, until then, I'm wishing I could be sitting in that chair staring out an ocean somewhere. I wouldn't do a lick of writing, but at least I wouldn't feel bad about it.

Another moment of Zen

Found a cute set of plastic world icons - including Stonehenge, the Easter Island giants and even Mt. Rushmore as well as this little figure who fits perfectly in the previously Pikachu terrarium. A permanent moment of Zen.

Health every day

The last way I would describe myself is as a health nut. Because of the way our society views health, exercise and weight and because of all the misinformation and blatant lies out there, I have a love/hate relationship with exercise. I would love to exercise more, but I hate feeling like I SHOULD exercise, so that paralyzes me sometimes. The dichotomy between wanting to do something because I want to do it and feeling like I have to do something because society tells me I should and therefore I refuse to.

I have a love/hate relationship with dieting. I hate dieting and I love to rag on people to advocate it because they are morons.

That notwithstanding, I understand the importance of health and I try to be as healthy as I can. I may not belong to a gym [disgusting places!] or count calories [I've got better things to do!] but I have a long list of healthy things I do or [don't] as the case may be. My new goal is to make a better effort to do [or not do] these things or more than one of these things every day.

For instance the givens are:

I don't smoke, never have.
I don't do recreational drugs because I like my brain cells and want to keep them.
I drink very little alcohol. [Maybe not enough?]
I take long walks.
I meditate.
I like to laugh.
I have pets that bring me joy.
I have hobbies that calm and center my mind.
I'm creative.
I like food that is good for me.
I try to keep a positive attitude and reduce my personal stress.

So today's healthy thing was a protein shake for breakfast, my usual light lunch and a sauteed chicken breast and a salad for dinner. Fruit for dessert. None of this was 'perfect' on the let's be obsessive about our healthy habits scale, but it was good. And good is good enough.

Yesterday, I got some sunshine and a I took an afternoon nap.

Tomorrow I don't know what my healthy thing will be, but hopefully I'll be able to find one that's above and beyond the givens listed above.

Oh, and I'm an activist

I hesitate to use the word activist, because I'm more of an inactivist if you think about it - but I do have certain causes that I stand for, such as marriage equality [yes, I'm a free thinker!] freedom FROM religion [but I'm not an atheist - I'm Gnostic], women's rights, especially women's rights to reproductive health [in laymen's terms that means I'm pro-choice. There is no such thing as 'pro-abortion' as the anti-choicers would have people think.] I'm also anti-Big Pharma, anti-medical establishment and anti-diet industry. What this means is - I no longer buy into the idea that pharmaceutical companies are diligently working on ways to cure our illnesses so that one day we won't lose people we love to cancer or diabetes or depression... I believe pharmaceutical companies are looking for ways to keep us hopped up on pills and dependent on medicine so they can keep making money. I am staunchly anti-cancer industry - meaning I don't believe chemotherapy is a cure for anything.

I don't like doctors. Sorry - that's the way it is. I've dealt with too many stupid ones to have much faith in them. Yes, I believe modern medicine can work miracles - it has preserved my son's eyesight for the last 16 years even though he suffers from glaucoma. I'm grateful for the medications and even the surgeries that have allowed him to live a normal life whereas had he been born 40 years ago or in a third world country he might be blind by now. However, I don't run to the doctor for every scheduled check up and get every recommended test because I think most of that crap is bogus. It's a way to drum up business. If we live our lives terrified of being sick, we pump money into Big Medical and we end up more sick. I go to the doctor if I don't feel well. I follow their instructions as much as they make sense and I yes them to death about making an appointment for my physical and then I go home. When I read stories about people who went to a doctor after years and found out they 'almost DIED' because there were diagnosed as being 'pre-diabetic' I just think that's pathetic and sad. I'll say it and not feel bad about it - a doctor is a tool - no more my partner in my life than a bottle of aspirin is my partner. I use a doctor when I need one, and when I don't I stay the hell away from them because they are in business to make money.

Lastly, I'm an advocate for a healthy lifestyle. I believe in HAES, health at every size and I despise people who harp constantly about weight loss, obesity and exercise as a means to get thin. Our society is falling apart around us because we're so busy worried about counting calories and not worried enough about polluting the earth.

As an inactivist, I keep most of my radical opinions to myself because I don't feel like wasting my energy battling with morons. But as an activist know that I'm here in the trenches waiting and if there's ever anything I can quietly do to undermine the cause of Big Diet, Big Pharma, Big Medical, Big Religion, or Big Industry, I'm there in a heartbeat.

A fish story

There's a meme on line about how you can have plants or you can have cats, but you can't have both. My cats know this - but I refuse to accept it.

The fish terrarium I made a few weeks ago to house the [surviving] aloe plant that I rescued from the garage sale proved to be too much of a temptation for someone who shall remain nameless, and one by one the plants inside were murdered.

So I decided to change the theme of the terrarium from desert oasis to deserted island beach, and I did this:

I included two types of moss and no other plants. I sealed up the mouth of the fish bowl with Press N Seal and set it on the bathroom vanity. Let them want! They shall not have my plants!

Then I made a new desert terrarium with a glass vase they cannot get into...

I will not be foiled by felines! 

I'm not exactly sure what drives me to have a battle of wits with three cats, but it's a necessity. I don't really ask for much in life, but I want plants right now, and I won't be denied - certainly not by four-legged people who don't even pay rent. I'm getting my way no matter what I have to do. I don't know if this is fueled by the idea that I'm a strong person and if I want something I will find a way to have it, or by the feeling I have of being somewhat mired in this phase of my life, where I don't have as many options as I used to and I want to have some semblance of control. I'm falling into the 'between' generation, with teenagers on one side and an aging parent on the other, and I think I'm looking at a number of years of still being tied down when I want to travel and do things and not be fettered. It's not an overwhelming feeling but one that I'm aware of, so I'm trying to combat it so it doesn't become a psychological problem for me. I don't want to end up feeling trapped by the trappings of middle aged life - even though that may be inevitable for a while. 

I find myself lately in the company of several friends whose lives have changed drastically - or who want to drastically change their lives - and while, by comparison, I have it damn good, I still see this as an age when there's often a paradigm shift in how we live. I'm the one who's happy with my existence. I like my job, I like my house, I like my life - but I'm increasingly concerned that too much sameness will make me not like it, so I have to have something to occupy my restless mind. 

The writing used to be the thing, and lately - especially during the summer, I find that it's not any more. I spend much more time trying to find ways not to write than I used to spend wishing I was writing. I'm content now not to be writing, where for a decade I wasn't content unless I was writing. This worries me because by definition, I am a writer. I've been one for 37 years, and though I've spent a lot of time fantasizing about not being one, I've never really not been one. Now I'm starting to be less a writer and more just a regular person and I'm asking myself what am I if I'm not a writer? Or am I just a writer who goes through a seasonal slump that will go away in a few weeks when fall starts again?

I'll let you know when I decide. Right now I'm off to try to write. Or find something else to do that isn't writing .

Terrarium Spice

Here's my collection of spice jar terrariums - a testament to the upside of not throwing things away. I've had these jars in the cupboard probably for the last 15 years. I probably inherited them along with the first house, and carted them to the second house and tucked them away in a high cabinet. And the minute I decided to make terrariums, they came to mind. Finally! They have a purpose.

So far the four of them are doing pretty well, after about a month since they were created. I've attacked a little bit of mold growing here and there and dribbled some extra water into the jars.

Oddly, or maybe not so oddly - the one that seems to be doing the best is the one that I dropped a couple of small quartz crystals into. I wonder if the crystals channel energy into the moss??

Small worlds

For as long as I can remember, I've been fascinated by small worlds. Miniatures captivate me...so years ago I built dollhouses, but that becomes expensive and problematic when you run out places to store your little houses and rooms.

Terrariums are my new obsession and the small natural worlds you can create inside a glass container. Taking my cue from the thousands of terrarium photos I've looked at on line over the last few weeks, I've begun creating some of my own dynamic little worlds. This one is my favorite - the little woman reminds me of myself. She seems amazed by the giant mushrooms she's found, just like I would be.

The Zen Clam

Because I like to play with GIMP, I created a little persona for myself, using some cute little photos I bought from Deposit Photo.

Just to be clear, I don't actually identify with shellfish on regular basis. The Zen Clam comes from a blog post I wrote years ago on my 'industry/personal' blog about making a typo. I kind of liked the way it sounded, so when I decided to create a new blog where I could just do what I wanted to do and not spend a lot of time worrying about how fans of my writing would perceive my posts, I went with The Zen Clam.
I suppose being an introvert whose class quote senior year of high school was "..." [yes, just an ellipsis], sort of makes me a bit of a clam. I prefer to be quiet, and that's often been mistaken for me either being upset or snooty. I never understood why not jabbering all the time meant I was stuck up...but that's what I had to deal with in high school. Thank goodness I'm LONG past high school. Now it's mostly, "Are you okay? You're so quiet." Truth is, I'm thinking. I like to think. I enjoy tooling around inside my own head, and I sometimes enjoy being inside my shell, so for that reason, I suppose a clam does suit me as an icon.

Of course, I come here, so I can chat away unfettered by my clamminess. Or, more accurately, to think in print.

We are Groot.

Finished it! Now I have a plant with a face. And I can't over water it!

This interlude of procrastination was brought to you by Crayola Clay - something every 47-year-old needs. It occurred to me while I was making my fake plant person that maybe I should question why, at my age, I spend a weekend afternoon playing with clay and paint. Is it because there's something wrong with me? Should I be doing what other people do - going to the gym, cleaning the house incessantly, watching TV or shopping? Is it because I'm young at heart or immature? Is there a difference? 

I am Groot.

I've said on a number of occasions that my problem with plants is that I tend to treat them like animals - as if they need constant attention and tending, daily feedings, pettings and reassurances that they are loved.

This is probably why most of the plants I've had have died. Plants don't need or want this kind of human interference, but I persevere, dribbling water on them every day, moving them around to get the best light, worrying if they've spent too much time alone...

I know. It's a problem. As a determined gardener, I'm trying very hard to stop this and treat plants like plants - living creatures that, for the most part, don't need me to oversee every aspect of their lives. [So I bought a moss ball that needs to be bathed once a week...]

Anyway, as if I wasn't having a hard enough time ignoring my terrariums so they will grow, I saw GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY on Thursday night and immediately decided I needed to have a sentient plant in my life. So I spent this afternoon crafting a baby Groot out of wood and clay and some wire. I have to paint it in a more realistic fashion when the clay is dry, then plant it in a pot. I think it turned out pretty good so far. I promise not to water it.

First Post!

Today's picture - my marimo moss ball - named Suiyoubi [which means Wednesday in Japanese] enjoys a sun beam this morning before the torrential rains turned a bright sunny August day into mush.

Suiyoubi represents the beginning of my current obsession with growing green things indoors and outside. Maybe it's silly to have paid for a ball of moss that has to live in a jar of tap water, but I like him. He's part of my quest for Zen and watching him rest quietly on his shiny rocks and seashells relaxes me.