If only I felt that way about my writing life. I'm on a down slope of the roller coaster again. All that feverish work on my new sci-fi and now, in the editing process I'm stalled. I'm bored. I'm so disillusioned with the industry and with just being on the computer at all, that I have no drive to do anything.
I miss the days when I really believed in what I was writing and I thought it was fun, instead of second guessing everything. There are so many writers out there just churning words onto a page and making bank - and I still agonize over how every word will be received. I thought removing the stress of deadlines would help, but it hasn't. The problem is, I want to be living life instead of writing. I find that all the things I used to find such guilt in - like cooking, cleaning the house, going out for the day - all the things I used to feel bad about doing because it meant I wasn't writing - those things are a lot more enjoyable now. I can relax and not feel bad about wasting time that should be devoted to writing and when I'm writing I feel like I'm wasting my time.
That's a problem. I think it stems from seeing so many people with their wild successes and still feeling like I have to work so much harder for so much less. Social media is a big problem to. There's some new thing called tsu that all the writers are flocking to - and I can't bring myself to go check it out. The last thing I want is one more time suck. I'm still orbiting Facebook though I haven't made any writing related posts in a long time and I don't intend to. Part of me wants to create a new on-line persona, but that means actually interacting with social media and caring what other people have to say on social media and there's this deep down part of me that keeps saying all this virtual interaction is not just a waste of time, it's a mockery of life. Go outside and LIVE. DO something, don't just post things. It's asinine. I really, really hate the thought of being on line all the time [she says while she's blogging.]
But I don't write this blog for feedback. I write it to put my thoughts down somewhere. To say what I need to say as a record of what I'm doing and what I care about. I thought of going back to Twitter as The Zen Clam, but what for? I'm not a diet guru - though I thought of maybe writing a cook book for people like me who don't have fancy ingredients and just want to make something quick and easy that tastes good. But what credentials do I have to write a cook book? Who is the Zen Clam? Does Zen Clam have a future on line? Does Zen Clam want a future on line? Do I want to police what I say because I'm afraid of how people will react to it? NO. I know I don't want that.
I just wish I knew what I did want - other than to plant my spring garden [wish it was spring] and get outside and enjoy the sunshine.
Oh, the life of a clam.
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