I, of course, did some research:
[Portions of this diet plan have been taken from the website of a cardiologist I have an appointment with. The appointment is for the peace of mind of my primary care doc, NOT for my peace of mind, as he says there’s nothing wrong with me. I looked at the cardio’s website and found this sad bit of nonsense under their diet plan and I had to make an example of it. Typos and ridiculously lacking punctuation are the first two red flags, but let’s take a look, shall we?] [Items in parentheses are my comments]
It is very important that you remember that diets of any kind were made to be followed. [I actually thought they were made to make money for someone but go ahead, let’s labor under your hypotheses] If you make substitutions to during the program, don’t be surprised when your diet plan fails! [But if you don’t make substitutions, and your diet also fails, can you be surprised?] What we endorse are lifetime rules NOT trendy diets or block dieting programs where days of dieting equals pounds of weight reduction. [OK, here’s a very miniscule bit of wisdom, you may proceed, my mind is open.]
The aging process, starting at approximately age 40 is unkind to all. Small recurrent mistakes in your diet will lead to weight gain. When this happens you will think that you are not eating any different than before. [Actually for many you are NOT eating any differently than before.] Therefore it is essential you think before you eat.
The simple rule is that if it exists naturally it's probably OK holds true for the most part [another small piece of wisdom] . Most of the high calorie mistakes committed occur with man made foods [ok, I’ll give you that one]. You can't find cheese, oil or processed meats occurring naturally. Small quantities of oils, nuts and fruits are good but we here in the USA tend to over do it. The majority of people in the USA are overweight. [over what weight?]
Remember that your body is going to be adjusting a new diet [my body will actually ‘adjust’ the diet? Or are you not able to write a proper sentence?] . Your body’s metabolism (the way your body gets energy) will be changing but more importantly our diet philosophy focus is around training YOU not to fuel your body incorrectly. We rather teach you lifetime rules than follow a daily pre-fixed diet program [wait a minute, what about not making any substitutions? Isn’t that following a daily pre-fixed diet program?]. It is important that you remember that important fact. [So far what I remember most is poor grammar, but go on.]
If you eat to live we can surely help. However, if you love to eat [because enjoying food is bad, bad, BAD!] it will require a mind set shift. We can help you find it for yourself but ultimately the success of weight reduction and it's [can’t even get the apostrophes right, can you?] maintenance is dependent on you finding this mental hook to keep you on track. You have all heard of people trying to quit smoking with all efforts failing until one day they just stopped and never went back to it! They found their mental hook.
Your body does not like to have severe alterations in diet. [So therefore you’ll be starting out by doing something your body doesn’t like.] There is an adjustment period that your body will go through to accept this new diet. DON’T make the critical mistake of going off and on this program or make substitutions [because it’s not pre-fixed or anything] YOU feel are OK. If that were the case you would be writing and coaching this weight reduction and maintenance program and not us. [Trust me, I can do a better job that you are so far.] The changes in metabolism and food selection training can be wasted with one night of unrestrained eating [so basically you can NEVER, EVER deviate] . If you know your [you mean ‘you’re?] going into situations that the program does not allow for our program, CALL US FOR TIPS! rather than going off the diet ( even temporarily ). [Not even for a millisecond, because enjoying your life is not allowed.]
Now for the program essentials ........... this is a TEMPLATE .... it gives you an idea ... we make changes from here based on your size and activity level ... so this is not exactly the program for YOU! [Wait, what about no substitutions?]
BREAKFAST
Cereals we recommend; Fiber One, Puffins or Kashi (Plain), measure one cup and eat with skim milk. [Because LOL – THESE must occur in nature, right? And carbs! Carbs! Carbs are good for your heart!!]
You may have non-calorie liquid with this. If you want coffee, add either skim milk [because all that pesky research about how low-fat or non-fat dairy is actually bad for you, well, that’s just pesky] or non-fat powdered cream substitute [because this also occurs in nature]. Avoid juices and whole milk. [Also avoid reading any CURRENT research that contradicts all these ridiculous rules].
Don't skip breakfast! [Nope, gotta have those occurring in nature cereals!]
As alternatives to cereal, we recommend that several days a week you make substitutions [wait, what happened to no substitutions?!] with a MET-RX Protein Plus or a MYOPLEX-Lite drink [Also occurring in nature? Can I grow these in my yard?] . If you wish, you can have a rice cake [Rice cakes are CARBS that GROW IN NATURE!! [Actually they are iin fact refined carbohydrates that are quickly converted by the body into sugar! But hey – they’re low in calories and hence good for you.]] along with the 16 ounce protein drink. The drinks come in several flavors. YES ... YES ... YES ... [Was it good for you?] the drink option with or without the rice cake is more calories than the cereal but the protein and minerals are worth it. In addition, despite the additional calories we have not seen any less weight loss in patients.Another option, make a small carton of egg beaters or egg whites along with 2 slices of low calorie whole wheat bread (usually ~30 - 40 calories per slice). [Egg beaters must be from chickens that lay egg-beaters, and of course, carbs, carbs, carbs!!] [FYI - Vegetable Gums (Xanthan Gum, Guar Gum), Maltodextrin. YUM!]
Between any of the meals you may have one RICE CAKE or a small bathroom (Kidde) cup full of Kashi or Fiber One cereal. [Eat out of a bathroom cup, that’s great! Can I grow Kashi and Fiber One in nature?] You are allowed up to 4 rice cakes or 4 small (Kidde) cups of cereal a day. [4 rice cakes a day! Oh, the carbs!!] We recommend that you have them between meals or prior to bed if you are hungry. You don’t have to have them! REMEMBER .... if you eat a rice cake or cereal, YOU MUST DRINK AT LEAST 12 OUNCES OF NON-CALORIE LIQUID ALONG WITH IT! Examples are water, seltzer, club soda and diet sodas [because diet sodas occur in nature AND all that artificial sweetener is SO GOOD FOR YOU!].
The rice cakes you pick must be NORMAL size, not the jumbo size. If they are flavored check the calories per cake to make sure that they are not significantly higher than the un-flavored type. [But don’t worry about the carb content at all.]
LUNCH
You make the salad. [No one else can make the salad?] Make sure not to add fruit. Fruit is not in this diet !!! [Because fruit does not occur in nature like rise cakes and Kashi and diet soda! Wait…] There are too many calories in fruit. [Forget the fiber and vitamins, those are not important] The salad that you make can be as big as you like. Don’t include olives or avocado. [Because olives are so full of fat and avocados are the devil!] Depending on other medical conditions you may have you may be able to use some preserved peppers or pickles. [Because preserved peppers and pickles occur in nature] Make sure to check the calorie content. These items usually have little calories. The down side is that they are usually very high in sodium content. In, addition to the salad, you must have 12 ounces of liquid along with it. Depending on the doctors evaluation they may or may not allow one or several slices of low sodium turkey breast or sliced chicken on the salad. [Keep that protein low – your diet must consist mostly of carbs!]
DINNER
First Option: Dinner with a large salad, steamed vegetables, protein dish of fish, chicken or beef and one carbohydrate. Desert strawberries or blueberries [wait, aren’t they FRUIT??] and a tablespoon of can whipped cream [also occurs in nature. So avocados are VERBOTEN! But can [not canned] but can whipped cream is A-okay?] . More options with discussion with us. [What??] Portion size is critical. Like the joke of the person with a drinking problem ... I have one drink a day but the glass is VERY LARGE. Portion size is key. We use larger salads and steamed vegetables to make the fill. Be very careful not to use toppings, oils or calorie dressings on any portion of dinner. [Eat everything plain because flavor is BAD] Go over all toppings with the doctor.
Second Option with (2) dinners eaten [Wait, what? So I can eat 2 dinners?] :The first, usually at 4:00 PM or 5:00 PM , the second at 7:00 PM or 8:00PM. You may choose to have both at the same time [Okay so now we can eat two dinners at the same time??], it's your choice. [Wow, a CHOICE??] The dinners that you can have are MODULAR with this option. DO NOT COOK YOURSELF ! [I would never dream of cooking myself. That sounds dangerous. Oh, wait, do you mean don’t make my own meal with fresh real ingredients? Right, that’s bad.]
The modular dinners that we recommend are;
-LEAN CUISINE [here’s a sample of some Lean Cuisine ingredients: MALTODEXTRIN, FRUCTOSE, SALT, AUTOLYZED YEAST EXTRACT, FLAVOR, MODIFIED CORN STARCH, MIXED TRIGLYCERIDES, CHICKEN BROTH POWDER, WHEAT DEXTRIN, - Yummy right?]
-HEALTHY CHOICE – [Here’s a sample of some Healthy Choice ingredients] [Maltodextrin, Soy Lecithin, Chicken Broth [Contains Flavors], Xanthan Gum, Caramel Color, Natural Flavor], Olive Oil, Isolated Soy Protein Product [Isolated Soy Protein, Modified Food Starch, Starch, Carrageenan, Soy Lecithin]).] [Nothing like a little carrageenan to promote inflammation!]
-WEIGHT WATCHERS – [these also include carrageenen, guar gum, xanthan gum, sugar and a host of other chemicals – Plus, let’s not forget to cook them we are irradiating them in the microwave]
[What the actual fuck? These occur in nature? It’s better to eat a processed, man-made block of frozen chemicals than to cook your own meal? I’m starting to ask myself, is this doc qualified to examine MY heart??]
Each dinner must be taken with 12 ounces of liquid. Remember, this is a modular program DO NOT MAKE substitutions! Don't eat and go to bed! Retire at least 2 hours hours later. [require what at least 2 hours later?] If you don't chose the modular diet plan, SAVE THE TRAYS!!!!!!!!!!!! Ask the doctor how to use them. [If I don’t chose [really?] the modular diet plan, how would I get the trays to be able to save them??]
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS:
Additionally you should take a multivitamin with minerals daily.
Other herbs and minerals can be discussed on an individual basis.
You must buy a weight scale and weigh yourself daily. [Because obsessing over your weight is healthy!]
The weights can be recorded on a simple ruled piece of paper. [How about a complex ruled piece of paper?] For a visual perspective, chart your weight on graph paper. Ask the doctor if there are any questions on how to do this. [Yes, I’d like to see a list of questions about charting my weight, please.]
The meal that is described in "LUNCH" can be switched with the meal(s) after 5 P.M. This may allow some variation in the feeding schedule [feeding schedule? Are we at the zoo?] if work routines require eating at odd times.
Now after you have lost the weight, take the next step and look better! [Because LOOKING BETTER is the goal here, not getting healthier.]
[Sorry, Charlie. This ain’t flyin’ with me. I’m going to see the doctor, but I think if he gives me this diet, I’m going to give him this blog post.]
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