Making headway

(Pumpkin Spice Cappuccino with whipped cream and cinnamon)

 

That title is deceptive. I think I’m making headway, but I’m not really sure. I’ve shut down my constant monologue pretty effectively. Yes, I slip up from time to time, which is why I’m writing the blog more prolifically, but for the most part, I feel a big stress factor in my life has been relieved. I’m not involved in a constant argument with myself or someone else in my head. Trying to keep my mind clear is not easy, but I think I’m getting better at it.

Part of the reason I did so much talking in my head was I think due to inherent loneliness. I’m the background. People don’t notice me. Sometimes even when I’m speaking, so talking to myself was a way to have my opinions heard when no one else was listening. It was a way to fight injustice in a way.

That’s hard to give up, but it’s also liberating – to say, not that no one cares what I have to say, but that I don’t have to explain myself to anyone, including myself. I don’t have to justify everything, even to myself. I can just walk away and not carry any baggage with me.

As for the no-diet diet – it’s not easy to let go of the ‘diet mentality’ that our society insists women especially must live with. I’m still surrounded by people who are terrified of fat, terrified of carbs, terrified of gaining an ounce, hating the gym but forcing themselves to go, freaking out over eating good food at the holidays. It’s sad and disgusting. And I’m not the person who can stand up and say, “For god’s sake, shut up and eat the food. You’re not getting points in heaven for ‘being good’ or talking about ‘being good.’” But I can’t.

Harder still to combat is the ‘instant success’ mentality that the diet industry has also sold us. Because regular diets tend to work in the beginning, I’m used to seeing an immediate change, and so I find I may be looking too hard. I feel less stressed. My legs don’t hurt quite as much and I’m sleeping a little better – but those things are negligible because they change so often.

I have over 30 years of hearing crap like this:

“But it has so much FAT in it!”

“It has real butter? Oh, my God!”
“I have to have diet sweetener!”
“Think of the cholesterol!”
“Only skim milk!!”
“She gained weight! What a shame!”
“She’s too thin!”
“What a butterball!”
“What a chub!”
“I can’t eat that!!”
“You ate all that? What a pig.”
“You’re not going to finish that? What a waste!”
“Put down the salt!”
“You’re eating AGAIN?”
“Why aren’t you eating? What’s wrong?”
“You’re having seconds? What about your diet?”
“You’re not having seconds? Don’t you like it?”
“You’re going to eat that whole piece? What about your diet?”
“You only want a small piece? Are you on a diet or something?”
“Not having any? Oh, you’re being so good.”
“Not having any? Come on, live a little!”

Is it any wonder I don’t know how to trust myself? I’ve spent a lifetime having my every mouthful questioned by someone – often with good intentions but mostly because that’s what the prevailing sheepdom teaches people they should say or do.
 

Years upon years upon years of this have contributed to my classic American female relationship with food.

I eat.

I feel bad.
I starve.
I feel self righteous until I get so hungry I eat more than I need to.
I feel defiant, and then I feel bad and I starve again.

After 31 years of diets, I understand it will take a long time to really let that mindset go for good.

 My new mantra is:

What do I FEEL LIKE eating?

I’m enjoying food a lot more – and I’m on a Fuji Apple kick. I actually look forward to coming home for lunch and having an apple as a side dish/dessert.

Hopefully I can maintain this and improve upon it. We’ll see.