Ignorance is bliss

Odds are I won't be posting so much anymore for a couple of reasons.

The upside: The picture here is of the new addition to our family - he's a 4-year-old rescued Chihuahua named Pablo, and he's a sweetheart who needed a good home. I intend to spoil him with copious amounts of love and attention. He won't replace Onyx of course - but can squeeze his 7-pound dog-shaped body into the 10-pound cat-shaped hole left by my favorite friend. 

I intend to spend a lot more time away from the computer. The Cyber world is a cold and angry place full of pathetic people, and I just don't have the fortitude to do much here anymore. I'll be outside walking the dog if you need me. 

Now for the downside: I'm still battling the health problems caused by an inadequate medical establishment. I'm at the end of my rope, but still fighting. I'm coming to the conclusion that the only way I will ever really feel better would be to cut all medical professionals out of my life permanently. 

2016 has been the year that sucked a fart from an elephant's ass. Literally. The immoral majority has elected a literal elephant fart to be the ruler of the free world. His followers are hateful, ignorant, boobs who spent the last year tearing down his opponent because they had nothing uplifting to say about their own candidate. The world is literally falling apart and we've allowed the lowest common denominator to decide that America should become what the rest of the world has always thought we were, crass, uneducated morons. We elected one for president - and now his followers are spreading their hatred and ignorance to every corner. It's sad, pathetic and disgusting, and if I spend too much time here, I fear all I'll do is talk about what a disappointment this country has become to me. 

Since our nation has espoused the idea that ignorance is bliss, I'm going to do the same. I've spent too many years being a thinking, feeling individual who worries about consequences, considers the feelings of others and wants peace and good cheer to rule the day. We've learned from this election that we live in world where a reality TV star is considered the best choice to rule our land. So why bother anymore? 

In the show The Vampire Diaries, the vampires have the ability to turn off their humanity. It makes it easier for them to do what they want and to deal with the guilt and unpleasant consequences of being blood suckers. I now live in a nation of blood suckers who have turned off their humanity, so I'm going to turn off my brain. Thinking has gotten me nowhere - I'm the lowest paid person in my office because I'm educated and nice, I'm overweight because I worry about every bite of food that I take, I lie awake at night wondering how to talk to doctors so they will help me and not think I'm rude or annoying. 

Where has it gotten me?

Absolutely FUCKING nowhere. 

So I'm done. 

2017 is going to be the year of Blissful Ignorance. The year of doing whatever the FUCK I want and who cares what people think. The year I don't owe anyone anything and the year the world, the country, and our moron president can KISS MY ASS.

Sorry if you expected better from me or more. But as of 2017, I don't care what you expect or what you think. Everyone else is out for themselves and they get whatever they want, so I'm jumping on that bandwagon. FUCK IT ALL and give me MINE. 

FUCK IT.

A declaration for independence

If you had a clog in your bathtub and you called a plumber to your home, and after looking at the foot of standing water in the tub, he told you ‘Just pour Liquid Plumber in it,’ and you told him you had already done that, and he then said ‘Well, do it again,’ then he wrote you a bill for $150 and left – would you call him again?

Of course not.

Yet, as patients we go to doctors and tell them we have concerning symptoms and we’re told, ‘Just go on a diet,’ or ‘Just get more exercise/sleep/vitamins.’ And when we say we’ve already done those things, we’re told to do them again or do them more or do them differently. We then pay their bills and go home feeling no better, convinced that we are to blame for our ill health.

Yet we keep going back to the same doctors.

Why?

Is it because we’ve been conditioned by the media, by insurance companies and by the medical professionals themselves to bestow some type of godhood on doctors and to consider their opinions, even those not based on scientific evidence or current research to be sacrosanct? Is it because we’ve been conditioned by the media, Big Pharma and the diet industry to believe that our health problems are either a) due to laziness and overeating, b) all in our head and a bid for attention,  or c) a symptom of depression requiring lifelong dependence on antidepressants?

It’s time to stop accepting this form of malpractice, and it IS malpractice, and to demand better medical care regardless of the cost to insurance companies, regardless of the drain on physicians’ time.

I for one, have resolved to stop putting up with the platitudes I’ve heard for decades. ‘Eat less and exercise more!’ is not a prescription, it’s a red flag that a health care professional is undereducated and misinformed. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s okay for me to refuse to tolerate this type of incompetence any longer, and I’m committed to getting better care regardless of any inconvenience I may cause my doctor or other health care practitioners I encounter.

It’s high time I made the medical profession MY BITCH. So stand back, it’s about to get real.

Happy Fourth of July weekend, everybody. I've just declared independence.

Redecorating

It's been a while since we've visited the Beach Cottage. The other day, at a garage sale I came across some lovely shabby chic picture frames that were just perfect for the living room, so I hung them - then realized that big hutch was just outdated and weird looking, so I hauled it off to storage and re-arranged all the furniture.

Now there's better viewing of the TV, a little more leg room and my miniature knight in armor has a place of honor on the TV credenza. The frames look great on the wall, but I could probably use some more small photos to add to the look. I'll keep searching garage sales and flea markets for shabby chic finds. 

Before and After

I do way too much surfing with regards to nutrition and food and [of course] diets and dieting sites that pop up whenever you search nutrition or food. What’s funny is how many people put up before and after photos of themselves to hawk diets or diet products or just to toot their own horns [hey, whatever, good for them]. After seeing far too many of these before and after pics from amateurs and ‘professionals’ alike I’ve put together a few tips to help out those misguided souls who actually think they’re helping people.

Tips for posting successful before and after photos: [Irony\on]

Body language. This is a big one. If you want to really highlight the fact that you went from 115 pounds to 110 in 37 weeks of intensive, mind numbing exercise and starvation, definitely stick out your stomach in Photo 1 and let it hang over the waistband of your boy shorts. Slouch and frown if you can – you want to look as miserable as possible. Then in Photo 2 – smile, pick your head up, suck in that gut you never had to begin with and stand tall – you’re happy now, you lost 2.5% of your body weight!

Clothing. Definitely wear different clothes in each picture. Those too tight boy shorts and saggy bikini top in lackluster colors looked awful, and that’s the look you’re going for in Photo 1. In Photo 2, slip into that slinky black dress for the selfie – this way everyone knows you bought new clothes to celebrate your victory.

Expression. Don’t smile in Photo 1. In fact, do your best to hide your face. You don’t want people to actually know that’s you. [This way also when you hire someone else to take your after photo for you, the people you’re trying to fool won’t be able to tell if it’s the same person or not, very clever!] Go for shadows and poor lighting, wear glasses in Photo 1 and your contacts in Photo 2 so people also know that losing those 5 pounds gave you better eyesight! Remember, it’s always best if there’s some doubt that the two pictures are actually of the same person.

Background. NEVER take Photo 1 and Photo 2 in the same spot. If possible, Photo 1 should be in a shady room against a plain wall, no lighting whatsoever. Use a dirty mirror for that selfie – and of course hold your phone in front of your face as much as possible. In Photo 2 – go the beach [or have your double do that] – wear that string bikini, smile and face a brilliant light source so everyone can see the new definition in your abs.

Hair. Definitely wear a different hairstyle in your after photo. Get your hair colored in between if you can, or cut and styled – always think about how you can add doubt that it’s really you!

Bonus tip for professionals: Just use Photo Shop. Remember your job is to convince marks customers to buy your diet product in any way possible! Don’t be shy about fraud, it’s how this industry makes $66 billion a year after all!

Here's a good example of some quality before and after photos so you can see just how the best ones are done. Remember, there should always be a shadow of a doubt that both photos are of the same creature person!

BEFORE

AFTER

What an amazing transformation, amiright?

Updates

I have so many photos to choose from now, it's hard to pick which one I like best. My Zen Clam Photo Blog is filling up nicely. 

Recent trips to a local botanical garden and a zoo have given me a lot of subject matter, not to mention flowers blooming all over the neighborhood. 

This shot will appear on the Photo Blog soon - I think the leaves look like they're made of glass or ceramic. 

Other than taking a lot of photos and reading, I'm not doing much. Perimenopause is getting me down - the aches and pains, the lethargy, despite eating well and taking vitamins - it's gets tedious feeling tired all the time. 

Of course the voice in my head keeps telling me, just get some more exercise, and the other voice in my head says, if I had the energy to exercise, I wouldn't be so tired, right?  Ugh. 

The garden is finally coming along after so much rain and cool weather. 

Potatoes - growing like gangbusters
Blueberries - Amazingly it looks like I'm actually going to get some berries!
Tomatoes - bigger every day - tiny tomatoes are starting
Strawberries - escaping their pot and taking root in another nearby!
Cucumbers - just starting to come out of hibernation now that it's warm
Carrots - growing steadily
Lettuce and Kale - taking over their planter
Spinach - bolted in the heat - so I pulled it out today
Jalapenos - growing slowly
Peppers - growing steadily
Basil, parsley, cilantro - hanging in there
broccoli - long and leggy so far, but getting leafy

I've arrived, I suppose

So, surprisingly, the other day I got a comment on my writing blog [the one that passes for my professional website]. These are rare. My online presence is basically ignored by billions of people, so I was stunned to see someone had posted - and of course, it was not a comment on my work or a query about a long-awaited sequel, but the ubiquitous nutjob waxing rhapsodic about erotic romance equating to sin. 

I was, needless to say, delighted. 

In all the years I was an active purveyor of smut - no one cared enough to call me out on it. Now that I've decided to tone down my work and stick to stories that focus more on story and less on sex, NOW someone with a god complex decides to lecture me. 

It's ironic in the extreme. 

The sad/funny part is, this peddler of fire and brimstone started out with questioning whether I was worried about not getting into heaven because of my writing choices. [Oh, hun - I'm Gnostic. We don't worry about getting into heaven. We already have permanent residences there.] I might have been offended except said whackjob proceeded to ramble aimlessly about nonsense for several paragraphs and signed off as Fr. Sarducci from SNL [Saturday Night Live] - a show I have never watched or cared to. So, was this person just trying [and failing] to be funny? Or did this numbskull think that a tongue-in-cheek approach was somehow a better way to reach a wayward sinner who might sit up and take note of her transgressions from the promised path if the 'troof' was presented in a semi-comical way? 

I can't really tell. 

I deleted the comment unpublished, of course. Rule number one is Don't Feed the Trolls. But I did save the message in my e-mail under fan mail - because hey, maybe this dimwit doesn't like my writing, but at least he/she/it cares enough to presume to want to save my soul. 

It might have been fun to take the twit to task and explain however tediously that someone else's spiritual experience has no meaning for me. Only my own spiritual experiences shape my thoughts and beliefs. So someone who fancies themselves a soldier of god is not only a moron in my eyes but also utterly ineffectual, as I'm well aware my path to heaven is MY PATH and I'm being led through my own relationship with the creator. No one else is qualified to be my conduit to 'life everlasting' as I already have that. No one else is qualified to teach me what I can only learn for myself. So, though I've decided not to communicate with this ditz any further, I do want it out there that this rather pathetically executed attempt at leading a straying sheep back to the fold was a complete waste of time. 

I appreciate the entertainment value, though, and of course the opportunity to turn someone else's foolishness into a blog post. Thanks for all the fish!

Mixed Media

I've been looking for new projects constantly, probably because of the season - I get restless in the spring/summer and don't like spending as much time on line. One of my re-released books is actually doing pretty well, so I have that itch to keep working on another book, which is always at odds with my need to disconnect myself from the computer as much as possible. 

To combat that I bought a pad of water color paper and borrowed my daughter's paints. I made these two paintings this week and really enjoyed it. They're a water color base, embellished with colored pencils and black ink. 

 I have a lot more subjects to work from so I'm hoping to eventually use up all the paper I bought. I'm also working on a garden journal and have an idea to re-assign one of my book shelves and start creating more book projects to house there. A garden journal, a water color portfolio, possibly a recipe book, the photo books I've created and maybe start working on the color book idea I had - starting of course with The Book of Purple - a  collection of photos all focusing on purple subjects. 

I have this idea that I'd like to create a repository of my work, just a place to have a collection of things that define me - that other people could peruse. It's a long-range project to be shoe-horned in between the writing I should be doing and the time I want to spend dedicated to relaxing and working on de-stressing. 

Minions!

I needed a new project after the fairy lantern, so my minions conspired to prepare their own garden. I'm hoping to add some other plants to this later on. 

So that was another 20 minutes. Now I need ANOTHER new project. 

Project update

The fairy lantern turned out pretty good, but it didn't take very long to make so that left me needing another new project. 

And here's a plant update. Remember the tiny little palm tree?

It's all grown up now...

I guess it was happy in its little home, but it outgrew the space so now it's free to take over the windowsill. 

Another miniature world

I just bought some items to make another miniature hideaway. This lantern and patio table and chair and some cute little milk pots for plants is going to become a fairy gazebo to enchant the corner of my desk. 

My handwriting journal is working well as a form of zen practice, and it's helping me to slow down during the day as well and enjoy every chance I get to hand write something. In a digital world, I'd forgotten how enjoyable it can be to write something by hand and not have to be in a rush to get it done. 

I'm also reading the book Don't Sweat the Small Stuff by Richard Carlson - which was a birthday present from a friend. Like most self-help books, it oversimplifies some problems that plague us with the usual 'just do this!' rhetoric, but one thing it mentioned stuck with me, and that's how we tend to make life into a series of emergencies - which causes stress because really very little in life is actually a real emergency. 

The book suggests ways to not take life too seriously and create the stressful feeling that every occurrence is somehow a problem that needs to be solved - but in thinking about my own stress load, I can see that my 'emergencies' tend to come more from other people thinking things are an emergency than from me thinking they are. 

My general state is really one of laid back laziness. I hate to jump into flight mode over little things and I prefer to take time to put things in perspective, but I have a lot of people in my life for whom life is a problem and everything is an emergency. 

A friend whom I see little of these days was fond of the phrase "What are you going to do?!" exclaimed over many problems, and I recall always feeling like someone lost in a storm when I heard that sentence. It would mold my thinking - What AM I going to do? How AM I going to fix this problem? Am I not taking it seriously enough?

I spend less time with that person now and find I'm much calmer for not hearing that plaintive exclamation all the time. I still deal with a lot of people who make mountains out of molehills and unfortunately my go-to response is to question whether I'm actually under-reacting to something rather than to assume they are over-reacting. It's been my experience that most things that seem like terrible problems tend to un-knot themselves over time and so many things that looked like impossible hurdles turned out to be no more than minorly inconvenient speed bumps when I look back on them. 

I regularly deal with people who are hypersensitive and become morose and pouty over the slightest perceived insult, as well as people who turn every sniffle into a medical disaster and people who exaggerate small issues into World War III whether for effect, or for their own entertainment. It makes it very difficult to look at life as basically calm and uneventful and easy to navigate when, in addition to the media preaching that the sky is falling every chance they get, the surrounding populace is always in a state of bereavement over something - for instance the person who called my office the other day in a tizzy because the street cleaners had created a bit of a traffic backup that had resulted in her children ALMOST being late to school. ALMOST. I mean a close call like that can really ruin someone's day - and of course we all laughed about it, but that's exactly the type of thing that happens on a more personal level to cause stress. 

When a random person has a melt down over something inconsequential it's a source of amusement, but when it's a friend or a family member having the melt down or urging me to have one with phrases like "Are you going to put up with that?" or "Why didn't you..." or "You should have..." or "What are you going to do?" or "You have to..." it becomes a lot harder to laugh.

So my goal is to figure out how to nip these emergency responses in the bud and not allow someone else's perception of life as a problem to make me question my perspective that it's not a problem. 

I'm not sure how I'm going to do that. Perhaps writing in my zen journal will help. 

Art journaling

I know. I know. I waxed rhapsodic about not being able to make a bullet journal work for me, but that didn't stop me from wanting an excuse to buy a nice journal and play around with it. 

So I agonized for a while about how I would use a journal and decided that I would try my hand at art journaling. 

I've always kept sketchbooks with all kinds of art in them from paintings to zen tangles and Pokemon and butterflies and you name it. 

So I decided an art journal that would give me a place to doodle and practice handwriting [a dying art!] might actually be a very zen way to spend some time. 

I spent about $12 on the following - a gorgeous little leatherette journal with lined pages and a set of bold tip ball point pens. So far I'm loving it. It's yet another outlet for creativity with no pressure. I can just write and sketch and tangle. 

I've decided to write zen proverbs and sayings in it as a means to work on my handwriting which has gotten so bad over the years because I don't have the patience to write neatly. 

Here's to beginning...

The Impatient Gardener

The impatient gardener - that's me. I want to plant things NOW and see them grow and harvest them...right now. 

Plants take time, so I tend to rush things, but I don't care. I'm enthusiastic about my garden, and that's what matters. 

Having a ton of polymer clay leftover from my miniature food obsession, I decided I could finally make some weather resistant garden markers, so for the past couple days I've been fiendishly rolling out strips of clay and embossing them with plant names using a clay embossing set I got for a song with a coupon at JoAnn's. 

Here's the finished product - they're sharp on the ends, slightly flexible and color coordinated to the crop they represent [as close as possible]. 

I won't be able to use them all this year, but I have a wide variety that should cover just about anything I want to grow. 

Now to start coaxing my little seedlings out of the ground!!

Bullet journaling, life planning and organization

I love things that are organized and color coded and neat. I don’t have that much patience for organizing, but I recently applied the Konmari method to my clothes closet and dresser drawers, and I’ve been happier for it.

Last year I got on the life planner kick – not in a big way, but it was a good excuse to buy washi tape and colored pens. Rather than spend a lot on a premade calendar or planner, I made my own, so that I could have five years of planning in one place for the whopping cost of $3.00 instead of what would have ended up costing $50 or more [much more]. I also got to use purple paper, and all the stickers I’ve been foolishly hoarding for years.

I spent a little more money on a Filofax type system that would hold all the information that doesn’t change. I created my own Filofax for under $25.00 to keep vital info – the kind of stuff people run around like headless chickens looking for when there’s an emergency. This way my husband and my kids know to look in one convenient place for all the information they might need to handle doctors, plumbers, banks, credit cards, etc.

I update the “life planner” whenever necessary. This allows me to plan things for future years and keep track of stuff from December to January without having to dig up a new calendar.

I think I’ll probably spend a little time once a year updating the Filofax.

Now I just heard about the ‘bullet journal’ which seems like another word for ‘life planner’ and/or Filofax. It’s all about analog planning and list keeping, something I’ve been doing without a fancy name for… well ever.

I make lists all the time, cross things off, migrate them to other lists, allow things that become unimportant to drop off those lists, make check marks and tables and analyses. Sometimes it’s helpful, but not always.

I love the idea of the bullet journal as much as I love the idea of the life planner and the Filofax, because it’s a reason to go to the store and buy pens and notebooks and pretty things in multiple colors. I like the idea of having a document that represents your life…

…but…I’m also reaching a point in my life where living it is more important than documenting it. Ending up with a drawer or a shelf or a box full of old journals/calendars is not attractive to me anymore. They look pretty in all the photos that the bullet journal enthusiasts post online, but I just see clutter that one day I will look at and say “Why am I keeping this? So I can know when my dentist appointment was in 2011?”

I’m also not a fan of the obsessive data recording that seems to go with the life planning lifestyle. I don’t want to keep track of pints of water consumed or loads of laundry washed any more than I want to keep track of calories consumed or trips to the bathroom. Some people do, however, and that’s fine, it’s just not for me.

My quest to become organized is currently more reliant on my quest to become a minimalist. And while I like my 5-year calendar because it eliminates FOUR calendars out of my life, and I like my Filofax because it consolidates dozens of file folders into one book of vital info, I just can’t see myself becoming a dedicated bullet journalist.

Unfortunately, I can see myself trekking to Staples to buy the various and sundry supplies to bullet journal. #zennotsozen

Bonsai again!

Finally!

I've mentioned before that I'm obsessed with bonsai and I've tried a million ways to get one that have been unsuccessful because bonsai take time and I'm impatient, the ones they sell for indoor use are outdoor trees that are destined to die for $40, and growing a tiny tree from seed produces a sapling, not a bonsai.

The other week I was looking at some dead shrubbery that needs to be removed from the front yard and I came across two small boxwood shrubs that were half dead hiding in the shadow of a taller bush. I noticed the nebari [root system] on them and I was impressed. I decided pulling them out and repotting them wouldn't be a loss - they weren't going to make it anyway, so I had nothing to lose. 

This is the second tree which turned out just exactly like the mature bonsai tree I've always wanted. I bought a shallow pot at Lowes and replanted it. Hopefully it will survive the shock and become a flourishing outdoor bonsai with a little hit of fairyland thrown in. It needs time and some work, but I think I've finally got the tree I've always wanted. 

What the Internet doesn't have

It seems like anything you want to know, you can find on the Internet these days. You can Google anything and get tons of hits, and so, of course, I spend a lot of time Googling 'menopause' and 'perimenopause', trying to find more information about the hormonal roller coaster I'm on these days.

Sadly, while there are just as many hits for these topics as for any other, there's a really not a lot of what I'm looking for. Here's what I DON'T NEED from the Internet:

A definition of menopause/perimenopause - I got all this during my first search. Why does everyone who writes about it have to include all the clinical whys and wherefores? We get it people. Dictionary and medical text explanations are passé and boring.

The ubiquitous suggestions - ugh already with the 'discuss this with your doctor', or try XYZ or PDQ. Half that stuff doesn't work anyway and the other half you need prescriptions for. Unless I'm literally out of my mind, I don't need pills. I need reassurances.

The Big 5 or 6 major symptoms - again, we get it. We know the major stuff. I want to know the unusual stuff. There are 30 or 40 common symptoms of menopause/perimenopause. If you're stopping at 5 - you're probably a man.

The weight loss talk - Stop. Just stop. We know weight gain is one of the big 5 symptoms and we're SICK TO DEATH of hearing how we have to be more vigilant now to avoid something that is patently UNAVOIDABLE. So just freakin' STOP already.

Treatments - Once again, we know that the medical industry revels in being able to declare something an illness that requires lots of pills and tests, but this not an illness, it's a normal progression. So if I search 'treatments' give me treatments, but if I search 'stories' don't give me treatments.

What do I want?

I want to hear from other women my age who are going through these things: the anxiety, racing heart, feeling that something is wrong but you don't know what, trouble sleeping, mood swings, itchiness, bad hair, bad skin, exhaustion, forgetfulness, clumsiness, irritability and stomach issues. Tell me how you feel and even better, tell me it all gets better eventually. How will I know when it's winding down, and I can look forward to normal again? What will normal be like? I want the real dope on this nonsense, not the clinical nonsense and namby-pamby 'eat less exercise more avoid caffeine and see your doctor' crap that everyone thinks I want to hear. 

Appreciating Luxury

I have spent a good portion of my life doing what we are conditioned to do – to work, and work and work in order to achieve, to accumulate, to succeed. I spent many years working 12-hour days trying to write, edit and be generally productive and generate money in addition to keeping house, cooking, raising children and constantly worrying about not being enough in any or all aspects of my life.

It was exhausting. I was thinking last night that all that exhaustive pushing to accomplish didn’t get me where I ultimately thought I wanted to go. I worked mornings and nights, holidays and weekends, when I was sick and tired and I never had that moment when I was a NYT Bestselling author or when my bank account topped six digits.

I missed a lot of days at the park with my kids, a lot of sunny summer afternoons while I stared at a computer screen. But I was conditioned, I suppose, by that old story about the grasshopper and the ants. You work your butt off now so that you can cozy up later and enjoy the fruits of your labor. Well, I did the work. I ignored the call to play and relax and now that it’s time to cozy up, there’s still no pile of gold to lie on.

I occurred to me that maybe it’s time to start appreciating what I have instead of knocking myself out to acquire more that I will never have the time or the energy to enjoy.

I realize that I am surrounded by luxury, and I’ve been taught not to see it. I don’t mean that I have champagne and caviar at my disposal. I mean that I have so many things that in so many places on this planet are considered luxuries. I have a nice home and healthy children and a wonderful husband. I have a job and a car and clean clothes and the ability to decide to relax in a hot bath on a Saturday night after a nice dinner. I can go food shopping or clothes shopping any time I want, and if I’m not feeling well, I can take a paid sick day from my job and see a doctor of my choosing. [Granted the health care situation in this country is a big joke, but it’s better than in many places.]

We are conditioned to take all this for granted in the first world. I’m supposed to be indignant when I have to wait on line for gas, or when the local coffee shop closes down and I can’t grab a latte on the way to work or when the mail is delivered after 5:00 PM or the garbage isn’t taken off the street before noon.  But what we really should be taught is that drinking clean water from a cold fridge is a luxury. Putting on warm socks on a cold night, turning up the heat a few degrees and climbing into a bed of clean sheets and fluffy pillows is a luxury. Going to work at a job that pays me not only to show up, but to stay home on holidays and vacations and sick days is a luxury. Deciding to sit on the couch and read a book, or write a book of my choosing – is a luxury.

I’ve decided that from this point forth, I will make an effort to appreciate the luxuries I have accumulated in my life. I’m not saying I’m going to stop trying to achieve, but my priority now is going to be to enjoy what I have instead of slavishly pushing to have more before I can finally consider myself a success and enjoy the fruits of my labors.

I have decided that I have enough and I am enough. I’ve been an ant long enough. 

Now I’m a grasshopper. 

Fear for profit

The older I get, the more I notice how much of our society runs on fear. The media is the chief purveyor of fear on a widespread scale, but you can find it on a more personal level every day too.

 
 

Starting with the media, however – if you notice lately, and more so every day, the headlines, the news segments are all geared around something new we need to be afraid of: cancer, obesity, heart disease, ebola, zika…fraud, floods, freezing temperatures, a torturous commute to work, a new danger lurking in the refrigerator or the washing machine or at the corner store.

 

 

 I’ve realized that if we are, as a community, afraid of something, we are more controllable, more malleable and infinitely more profitable for business of every kind. If we are afraid of a snowstorm that will trap us in our homes for days on end, we rush out to stock up on milk and bread. If we are afraid of becoming terribly ill with the flu, we will let Big Pharma inject us with chemicals as a preventative [all I’ve ever heard from people who got the flu shot is how they ended up with the flu – yet they were so afraid of not getting the shot]. If we are afraid of having a heart attack we will modify our diet [often in ways that are actually worse for our health], if we’re afraid of being fat we will turn over large buckets of cash to diet companies who will sell us chemicals and fads that only make us feel worse. If we are afraid of cancer, we will allow doctors to pump us full of poison and radiation all the while telling us how ‘brave’ we are to be fighting for our lives.

 

 

There is always someone who wants us to be afraid of something so that it will profit them.

 

 

I had a small, brief moment of clarity the other day, and for a second I could understand and feel what it was like to not be afraid. It only lasted a moment – but that moment made me think, what would an entire life be like if it could be lived without fear?

 

 

Now, granted, fear is a necessary element of survival. If you’re not afraid of the lion, you may become his dinner. If you’re not afraid of fire, you will be burned. But how often are we told that if we’re too afraid to fall we’ll never fly?

 

 

Imagine how high we could fly if we weren’t burdened with incessant fear of everything? I’ve always lived in this state of fear that society has created. While there are certainly people who live in fear of truly horrible things that are much worse than anything I’ve experienced, I realize I’m one of millions or maybe billions of people who are controlled by the fear that’s created in order to boost the profits of others.

 

 

What would happen if we stopped worrying every minute that we might be sick and not know it, and therefore should be running to the doctor all the time for tests to prove that we are not sick? What would happen if we could vote for a president because we thought that person was the best qualified for the job and not because we are terrified of what will happen if the opponent we don’t like wins the election?

 

 

I wonder how much money would be lost if we stopped being afraid of every calorie, afraid of missing a mammogram, afraid of getting a fever, afraid of growing old, afraid of LOOKING old?

 

 

What would happen if we were too busy living life and enjoying it to worry about dying?

 

 

Unfortunately my moment of clarity was fleeting, but I can’t stop thinking about it. My hope is that I can keep working on it and maybe get to a point where I can let go of some of that fear that has kept me controllable and profitable to the fear mongers for so long. My hope is that in the second half of my life I can live it on my terms and not be afraid of what anyone else will think of my choices.

 

 

 As long as I’m happy and I can get up every day and go to work, enjoy my hobbies, spend time with my family and friends, laugh and love and look forward to things – then guess what, I’m doing perfectly okay, and NO ONE has the power to make me afraid that I’m not doing what’s best for me because I’m not a customer of their fear based profit machine.

Perspective

 

These scary giants aren't real. Well, they are real, but they're not alive. It depends on how you define 'real.'

 

 

 

One of the ways I've discovered to make life a little better is to adjust how I look at things. I've found that if you have the right perspective, something that seems bad can become not so bad or even really fortuitous. You just have to decide how you want to look at it.

 

I notice more and more that people lose perspective very quickly or never had any to begin with. For instance this winter - it's been unusually mild. Since Christmas [which was in the 40s] it's been well above seasonal temperatures. We did have a few isolated days where it was in the 30s and windy - and interestingly on those days, the people I encountered were all quick to say how 'brutal' the cold was and how 'horrible' the winter was.

 

Because it was 30 degrees one day in a week of 40-degree days.

 

Last weekend we had our first snow storm of the season. It was a whopper. We got over 2 feet of snow in 24-hours, and the cleanup was exhausting. It happened on a Saturday - which made it fortuitous because we had no plans, nowhere to be and had no reason to go driving or otherwise traveling. We stayed inside for a good portion of the day, warm and cozy with a new heating system just installed, plenty of food and TV to watch. It was the best way for a snowstorm to be. Not that I love snow, because I don't anymore. All I want is for it to be warm enough for me to go out and work in my garden. But that's beside the point.

 

Back at work, we had a steady stream of people who used those words again - 'brutal, horrible' winter. This winter has been 'so bad' they said. The snow was horrendous! It's just been awful and SO COLD. After the snow, it went back up to 40. Today, just over a week later, it's literally in the 50s outside and sunny.

 

Perspective. Why do so many people see one cold, snowy day as the defining moment for a whole season and deem an entire winter to be 'brutal and horrible' when there is no doubt in anyone's mind they've been through much worse? Can we blame the media that reports every storm these days as being 'deadly' and 'record breaking'? Or do people just have a tendency to be completely unable to see the good when the bad is so close by?

 

Today is a gorgeous day, but last week was snowing, so the winter has been 'brutal and horrible.'

 

I try to find the perspective in things, so that I'm not living in a brutal and horrible world but in a beautiful one. It makes life much easier.

 

The Statistical Truth Factory

The Internet is a dangerous place and no place is more dangerous than Facebook, but people don’t realize it.

Every day I go there [I hate it, but I go anyway. I know, that’s my bad] and I see the memes that people slavishly repost and repost, sometimes just with a thoughtless click and sometimes with their own opinions thrown in. About 90% of the time, a five-second search on Google can turn up the evidence to debunk whatever ‘TRUTH’ said meme is disseminating in the form of a poignant photo or a snappy graphic or a falsely attributed quotation.

Yet, no one bothers to check this stuff before they repost. They just bob their heads like bobbleheads and go ‘yup, yup, yup’ and post, spreading the work of trolls who aren’t ‘telling it like it is’ but telling it the way they want people to believe it is.

Today I saw a meme with two ‘satellite’ images of the earth. One supposedly from 1975 when the atmosphere was pristine and pure, and one supposedly from 2013 when the world was covered with a dense fog of pollution. Yup, yup, yup.

But on closer [and not even that close] inspection, it’s clear that the second photo is the MOON with an enlarged picture of the US superimposed over it/under it in Photoshopped layers so the craters look like wispy strands of pollution.

People reposted and reposted and reposted as evidence that we are destroying the planet.

Now, I’m an environmentalist, and I have no doubt that true satellite images might show a definite increase in pollution over the years, but jeez, trolls – there’s not anything better or more true out there to illustrate your point?

Or, is the point of these trolls that people are so easily fooled and brainwashed you can show them a poorly Photoshopped photo of the moon and they will believe it’s earth because you say it’s earth?

Sad. Very, very sad.

I have half a mind to create my own meme about why you shouldn’t believe everything you read on Facebook just because someone made a shiny graphic out of it. [And I actually did make one - seen above. I posted it to my wall. Let's see how many people repost it. Maybe it will go viral and The Statistical Truth Factory will become famous!]

Letting go

 

 

It's no secret that most of our problems in life stem from the inability to let go, and letting go can mean a lot of different things. It can mean making a change, educating yourself, walking away from something, someone or a particular belief. The reason we, as a race, remain gullible and malleable and victimized is often because we cannot get out of our own way and let go of the things that we

 

1) don't believe in

 

2) know we don't need

 

3) don't really want

 

 

We're afraid of loss, even if that loss is by our own choice, so we hang on to things because it's easier than stepping [oh, here I go] out of that comfort zone.

 

I know I just whined about wanting to actually be IN a comfort zone. But I think there are too different kinds of comfort zones. There are the ones that you're actually really comfortable in - that place where you are content, and so much of society is about ignoring contentment as a form of happiness and always striving for MORE because it makes someone else money... and then there are the comfort zones where you're not really comfortable, you just don't want to take the chance that if you leave you will be even less comfortable.

 

 

Example - a friend of mine has been talking about moving for many years. This person is unhappy in their current living situation and dreams of going somewhere else, but they continue to put up every road block imaginable. In addition to a litany of reasons why moving would be really hard, they continue to add additional issues to their life that would compound those problems thus assuring that the act of actually moving to a new place would be even more difficult than it has to be.

 

Letting go is hard.

 

One of the things I can't let go of is my dysfunctional relationship with the internet. I HATE the internet. I despise Yahoo, yet I go there everyday and read junk news. I revile Facebook, but I don't have the courage to actually just shut down my profile and stop caring what goes on there.

 

 

I blame Facebook for helping rob me of my desire to write, because I spend too much time scrolling through other people's useless flotsam. I blame Facebook for ruining a friendship because someone I used to like is a complete asshole on Facebook, and seeing this side of that person makes me less inclined to want to spend time with them in real life. I don't know if that's really a good thing or not. It was perhaps better when I thought this person was a nice person and I enjoyed their company. Now I find interacting with and thinking about this person tends to up my stress level - hence this post. In the past I have disconnected from people who made me feel uncomfortable in my own head - even if all my interactions with them were generally pleasant seeming and friendly, I would come away from every conversation inexplicably feeling bad. Not in the same way the rabid narcissist makes me feel bad, because I couldn't pinpoint anything particular this person said or did that bothered me. I just felt depressed after being around them. That friendship didn't end as much as it simply faded away, and I have never ONCE missed it. So I think perhaps it was a good thing.

 

The friendship in question today used to be my lifeline. But it's been stretched so thin, and provides me with no joy or comfort anymore, only that vague feeling of uneasiness and awkward unpleasantness that I have no need to feel. In this case there are specific things that bother me, but I also feel like there is just a general difference in this person, they've become someone I don't know as opposed to the person they used to be whom I loved and very much needed in my life. For a long time I've felt this person doesn't need me, and I see that I spent a lot of time chasing this person for attention that dried up when I stopped being the instigator of our interactions.

 

Sadly, each day brings me closer to the conclusion that it might be time to walk away from this. If interacting with someone leaves me feeling unhappy - why should I do it if I don't have to? I don't think I'll be missed by them... and while I miss the person they used to be, I don't think that person exists any more.

 

Time to let go...or at least think about it. 

Yet another new obsession

I've discovered needle felting.

Who knew? But apparently you can take very sharp, barbed needles, stab them repeatedly into pieces of unspun wool and turn them into plushy little objects.

 

 

Of course, I went a little nuts and bought some supplies and a kit online.

 

In a few hours I had a hedgehog, whom I shall name Hermione.

 

I then made a creature that might be a cat, or a dog or a bear, and a rabbit with very large ears.

 

I'm now working on a bear-rabbit.

 

It's a fairly simple but versatile craft that's oddly therapeutic, and I can do it while watching TV. [The most important rule of needle felting is don't stab yourself. The needs are scalpel-sharp and nastily barbed.]

 

Naturally I have already gone back online to order more supplies. I have no doubt I can create dozens of furry friends, but the problem is where to keep them. I need a shelf that I can dedicate to my art... that will be my next project.

If not now, when?

Since I’m working hard at getting the negative monologue out of my head, it has to go somewhere. While I’m not fond of ranting posts, I’m going to wax rhapsodic about Oprah’s new money-deal with Weight Watchers.

This is not going to be pretty so bear with me.

The always zaftig Oscar-nominated actress/talk show host/ humanitarian has publicly ‘battled’ her weight [to use industry rhetoric] for decades. She’s done liquid diets and had personal trainers and she’s made sweeping stage entrances looking slim and also made sweeping stage entrances looking like a well-put together fat woman.  I will give her that she dresses beautifully [she can afford it of course] and she always looks professional.

 She’s accomplished an amazing litany of things in her life, and she’s done I’d say 90% of it as a fat woman. Being thin was never a prerequisite for her to become rich or famous or be an activist, a voice for women, a generous giver, an industry talent… but now she’s made a deal that will put yet more money that she obviously doesn’t need into her pocket in exchange for her saying things like how weight loss can be like a game [just count points instead of calories! Isn’t that fun?] and if not now, when? I don’t know – when you’ve made enough money? When you’ve had a long-running award winning TV show? When you’ve starred in a movie? When you’ve written a book?

If you don’t get thin now, when will you do it? Why not do it AFTER you’ve done every other important thing in your life? Because doing it before might mean you will NEVER accomplish anything worthwhile.

I think Oprah has lost count of the number of celebs who have been guests on her show because of their ‘accomplishments’ in losing weight through paid advertising. Most of those guests, judging by what I read on the Internet, are the same people who have lost and gained, gained and lost, dropped one company for another and been dropped by sponsors for not keeping the weight off. Many of those celebs, having ‘failed’ after the sponsorship money dried up, have either denounced their previous weight loss plans or gone on to create their own plans, or simply, having ‘failed’ too many times to uphold the standards of the diet industry are now touting ‘happiness and good health’ as their mantra rather than weight loss at any cost.

I wonder how long it will be before Oprah’s contract runs out, or her patience with yet another gimmick wears thin. It’s very clear, having watched Oprah over the years, that she is a fat woman and will likely always be a fat woman. It hasn’t stopped her from being healthy and successful, and it shouldn’t stop anyone else. I suspect the day will come when she will weary of her weight loss partners and their shady practices and she will either jump ship as so many of her cronies have and develop her own plan, or simply embrace the truth, that weight loss is a bill of goods sold to us for profit.

I hope her disenchantment with this sham occurs soon – and I’d like to ask her, Oprah, if not now, when will you truly see the light?