2016

I was just looking back at last year's New Year's post where I was lamenting about the failure of the 'Last Grand Experiment.'

I was talking almost like one of the diet industry sheep that I despise so much.

This year I start off the new year in a better place. Yoga, rather than a diet, has reduced my back pain and lifted my spirits. Banning the negative inner monologue that ruled my life has calmed my mind and allowed me to relax more.

I've discovered the joy of lying on the floor and very actively doing nothing, and benefitting from it.

That's an accomplishment for 2015.

I still don't make 'resolutions' - but I decided a while ago that 2016 is the year of good health. I've ditched dieting for good, but I want to be dedicated to eating well, so we're clearing the fridge today and looking forward to stocking up on good food. My goal is to be up to handling a real life yoga class by my birthday - but if I'm not, I'm not.

My other goal is to decide how I'm going to proceed with writing. I'm utterly disenchanted with the process now and I'm not sure if it's because it's too easy - what's the point of working hard to put out a great book when someone else can come along, churn out nonsense, slap a cover on it and make bank and I have to scratch for $0.33 cents? I have a lot of story ideas but none of them really excite me enough to sit down and work on them.

I have a desire to create a new world to play in, but nothing is striking me as worth doing. I need a project.

I created my first photo book which should be arriving soon from Shutterfly and I seem to get the most enjoyment these days from taking pictures, but I'm not sure I want to undertake the Herculean task of producing a commercial photo book with no credentials. I don't want to create art that will sit in my closet either.

So I begin 2016 bored and a bit restless. My biggest goal this year will be to redefine my purpose. Off to get started.

The Zen of Nothing

(Abstract of cake icing)

 

 

It's no secret that my favorite yoga pose is Shavasana - Corpse pose. At first, this was a pose that I figured I would dread. I could not imagine myself happily lying flat on the floor doing nothing for any length of time. The million and one reasons this sounded like an awful idea to me included:

 

 

1. I hate lying on the floor.

 

2. Lying on the floor hurts my back.

 

3. Lying on the floor hurts my head.

 

4. Lying on the floor doing nothing is counter productive.

 

5. Doing nothing, no matter what position, is counter productive.

 

 

Repeat each of those reasons 200,000 times and you have my list, then add: And getting up off the floor is torture.

 

 

So, why now do I actually look forward to the time I spend in Shavasana?

 

 

1. It's the opposite of doing nothing.

 

2. It has improved my back pain tremendously.

 

3. I have permission to do nothing, but it's not really nothing, it's really actively working to improve my back and my legs.

 

4. It's actually restful.

 

5. Getting up from the floor is not that hard now.

 

 

I never would have imagined that lying on the flat on the floor would be high point of my day - in fact that sounds like a pretty bad day when you say it that way, but I really look forward to it and I actually feel bad when I don't get to do it. [Tonight may be one of those nights, in fact.]

 

What's your favorite yoga pose? 

I dream in yoga now

I dream in yoga now. I had a dream I was able to do pigeon pose [Eka Pada Rajakapotasana] and child's pose [Balasana] - two positions I can't yet do because of knee pain. In the dream it felt good, though in real life I can't imagine those poses being comfortable.

So far I've seen a definite decrease in back pain and stiffness. My legs still hurt, but not quite as much. It's great to exercise and not actually feel worse after I do it, which is how exercise usually makes me feel. I can't say as I'm 'energized' yet, but it does make the day easier to not have the constant twinges of back pain.

I'm looking forward to a restful couple of days for the Christmas Holiday and my clear mind as a result of strenuously avoiding a negative inner monologue has made me exceptionally calm.

I look forward to seeing how a year of real pursuit of Zen will make a difference. My only concern is my lack of interest in other creative pursuits. Other than photography, I find it a chore to do any of the things I used to spend time on including my writing. I'm noodling around with an old paranormal story, but the drive to produce is utterly gone. I don't know how that will fare for a writing 'career' - but I'm at the point where I feel less and less guilty about slavishly pursuing the writing brass ring. I still wish I knew if it was because I'm just not interested in playing the treadmill game, or because I still can't stop trying to sabotage my own success.

Maybe when I start to meditate I'll be able to figure that out. Right now, my focus is on feeling better and that's all.




Yoga milestone

 

 

This may be two milestones actually. Here's my yoga set - my purple mat {I love that it comes in purple!}, my blocks, strap and towel. So now I have an 'official' practice mat, which does help because even though the carpet is pretty soft, the mat makes it much easier to kneel and sit. I can do cat/cow [Chakravakasana] like nobody's business.

 

 

Milestone 2 is that I could actually get into easy pose today [Sukhasana]. Yeah, that sounds like nothing. They call it 'easy pose' for a reason. it's easy. For people who are flexible. I used to live in this pose, of course back then they called it 'Indian style' - and I could fly off the swing set and LAND on the ground in that pose when I was a kid. It's been years since I could sit like that comfortably and today I could do it.

 

 

So, it doesn't sound like much, but to me it's monumental. 

The comfort zone

As a writer, I often hear my fellow writers talk about getting 'out of their comfort zone' in order to write a better book. The idea is that if you're blocked or unhappy or not as successful as you thought you would be, you need to step out of the stuff you're used to doing and do something else, preferably something that challenges your norm, that 'scares' you and makes you uncomfortable and in that new zone [the uncomfortable one] you will find what you've been lacking.

It sounds great.

I just realized the reason I've never been able to get 'out of my comfort zone' is because I don't have a comfort zone. I'm never comfortable. I'm always sort of flying blind - when it comes to writing or anything. I'm not comfortable. I'm by definition, a nervous, worrier. I'm self-conscious. I over think things. I'm too empathetic and often more concerned with what others want, will think, will need, will perceive. So...I decided what I'd like to try is to get INTO a comfort zone for a change. I'd like to be somewhere where I feel confident and secure and where I know the score and all the rules and how to play and what my next move should be.

That sounds great to me.

So in adding to my impressive list of what I want for 2016 - the Year of Good Health - I'm adding a comfort zone to my list of wants. It's not that I don't want to challenge myself, I'm just tired of believing that the only way I can achieve or accomplish something great is to feel bad while I'm doing it.

Yoga - one week

I've been doing yoga nightly for about a week now and I like it. As someone who has always found exercise exhausting and unproductive, I had to let go of a lot of damage in order to be able to give this my all. I'm not going to say that it's a miracle. I hope I will be able to one day but for now, here are the things I've noticed:

* I sit up straighter. I'm much more aware of my posture and I don't have to keep reminding myself not to slouch.

* I breathe better. For a long time I've felt like I couldn't take a deep breath. I've noticed that lessening, maybe because I spend time actually taking deep breaths.

* My inner monologue is about yoga. One of the big things I wanted to change was my constant negative inner monologue, the arguing and ruminating that wasted so much of my energy and kept me stressed. I can't stop talking to myself entirely, but while I'm practicing and at other times too, I find my inner voice is talking to me about moves and stretches, not about old wounds or social commentary or complaints. This is a big plus.

* I'm sore. One of the reasons I wanted to do this was because I'm tired of being in pain. My legs hurt, my back hurts, I'm stiff and sore a lot and I thought it was because I don't do any exercise. After a week of yoga, I'm still sore, more sore in some places and less sore in others. I think my stress level would go way down if I wasn't always in some kind of discomfort but I haven't achieved that yet. Hopefully in time the soreness will go away.

* I enjoy the nothing. One of the poses I do is corpse pose (shavasana), which is basically lying on the floor doing nothing. This has always gone against my nature. I never felt justified in doing nothing because I always felt I had to be productive to prove my worth. Lying down for 20 minutes and just breathing was a waste of time, not to mention uncomfortable. Now I focus on my back, getting it to stretch, making my legs do the work, feeling my spine relax by degrees. It's not doing nothing, in fact, it's quite active. I don't know if it's helping me or not, physically. My back still hurts, but it's given my permission to do 'nothing' and not feel bad about it. That's a start.

* I'm determined. I'm determined to continue. I know from my reading that this isn't something that fixes you up in a week. So I want to check in here periodically with updates and see how I'm doing. Can I give it a year? I hope so.

Battling negativity

I'm tired.

Battling constant negativity is exhausting. It's hard when the negativity comes from within, but when it comes from without it's even worse.

I had to deal with a person today who was looking to pick a fight. Someone who is miserable in their own existence [by choice] and resents anyone who is not also miserable. Someone who only seems to brighten when they are putting someone else down or when they are getting sympathy for their problems. Dealing with them is exhausting in the extreme, and it's one of the reasons I've been seeking inner peace for so long. This is where I learned how to stress, how to worry, how to be resentful and jealous and judgmental and unkind. This is where I learned that it's better to do nothing for anyone else because they will look down on you for it. This is where I learned to take the smallest inconvenience or trouble and turn it into a reason to be unhappy and angry for days or weeks.

Unfortunately I cannot avoid this person. I also cannot change this person because this person takes pleasure in being miserable and difficult and annoying. All I can do is change how I handle myself, and it's a shame that I have to do that, but that's the way it is.

Here's what I wish I could say to this person:

* Get over  yourself. You are far luckier than you think you are. Everyone has problems and yours at the moment are minor compared to the problems of other people.

* Happiness is a choice. Every day you choose to focus on the negative, and so your day gets worse. If you focused on the positive you would have a better time.

* You are not the standard by which others should measure themselves. Just because you don't like something doesn't mean it's wrong for other people to like it. Just because you can't enjoy something doesn't mean others are silly or immature for enjoying it.

* Loneliness is a choice. If you separate yourself from people and disparage them when they try to reach out, you can't expect anyone to want to be around you. Your isolation is your own design.

* 'I can't' really means 'I won't.' Everyday people defy the odds and do things they thought were impossible. When you say 'I can't...' as a response to any suggestion to change or help yourself what you're really saying is 'I won't' - because if you really want to accomplish something, you probably could do it.

* Misery may love company, but company does not love misery. If you're going to complain or judge or gripe or snipe, you can't expect people to want to hang around with you. Be a source of light and people will seek you out.

* You have outlived your ability to make me miserable. I am working hard every single day on not letting your misery affect me, because your misery is your own choice. I don't feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for me because I've spent so many years letting your moods affect me. You should be sorry for that too because none of it was ever necessary.

* I'm on to you. I know that you are a narcissist, and I know that you disparage me and my choices because you're jealous. You can wallow in that or you can get over it and be glad that I turned out as good as I did.

Of course I can't actually say any of this because this person cannot take criticism of any kind, even the smallest amount. This person can't have an intelligent conversation about change because this person has no desire to change because that means work, hard work. I cannot change this person. I can only change how I react.

So I breathe deep and I let it go. It's all I can do.

And it will be enough.

But I'm still damn tired.