The Zen of Nothing

(Abstract of cake icing)

 

 

It's no secret that my favorite yoga pose is Shavasana - Corpse pose. At first, this was a pose that I figured I would dread. I could not imagine myself happily lying flat on the floor doing nothing for any length of time. The million and one reasons this sounded like an awful idea to me included:

 

 

1. I hate lying on the floor.

 

2. Lying on the floor hurts my back.

 

3. Lying on the floor hurts my head.

 

4. Lying on the floor doing nothing is counter productive.

 

5. Doing nothing, no matter what position, is counter productive.

 

 

Repeat each of those reasons 200,000 times and you have my list, then add: And getting up off the floor is torture.

 

 

So, why now do I actually look forward to the time I spend in Shavasana?

 

 

1. It's the opposite of doing nothing.

 

2. It has improved my back pain tremendously.

 

3. I have permission to do nothing, but it's not really nothing, it's really actively working to improve my back and my legs.

 

4. It's actually restful.

 

5. Getting up from the floor is not that hard now.

 

 

I never would have imagined that lying on the flat on the floor would be high point of my day - in fact that sounds like a pretty bad day when you say it that way, but I really look forward to it and I actually feel bad when I don't get to do it. [Tonight may be one of those nights, in fact.]

 

What's your favorite yoga pose? 

I dream in yoga now

I dream in yoga now. I had a dream I was able to do pigeon pose [Eka Pada Rajakapotasana] and child's pose [Balasana] - two positions I can't yet do because of knee pain. In the dream it felt good, though in real life I can't imagine those poses being comfortable.

So far I've seen a definite decrease in back pain and stiffness. My legs still hurt, but not quite as much. It's great to exercise and not actually feel worse after I do it, which is how exercise usually makes me feel. I can't say as I'm 'energized' yet, but it does make the day easier to not have the constant twinges of back pain.

I'm looking forward to a restful couple of days for the Christmas Holiday and my clear mind as a result of strenuously avoiding a negative inner monologue has made me exceptionally calm.

I look forward to seeing how a year of real pursuit of Zen will make a difference. My only concern is my lack of interest in other creative pursuits. Other than photography, I find it a chore to do any of the things I used to spend time on including my writing. I'm noodling around with an old paranormal story, but the drive to produce is utterly gone. I don't know how that will fare for a writing 'career' - but I'm at the point where I feel less and less guilty about slavishly pursuing the writing brass ring. I still wish I knew if it was because I'm just not interested in playing the treadmill game, or because I still can't stop trying to sabotage my own success.

Maybe when I start to meditate I'll be able to figure that out. Right now, my focus is on feeling better and that's all.




Yoga milestone

 

 

This may be two milestones actually. Here's my yoga set - my purple mat {I love that it comes in purple!}, my blocks, strap and towel. So now I have an 'official' practice mat, which does help because even though the carpet is pretty soft, the mat makes it much easier to kneel and sit. I can do cat/cow [Chakravakasana] like nobody's business.

 

 

Milestone 2 is that I could actually get into easy pose today [Sukhasana]. Yeah, that sounds like nothing. They call it 'easy pose' for a reason. it's easy. For people who are flexible. I used to live in this pose, of course back then they called it 'Indian style' - and I could fly off the swing set and LAND on the ground in that pose when I was a kid. It's been years since I could sit like that comfortably and today I could do it.

 

 

So, it doesn't sound like much, but to me it's monumental. 

The comfort zone

As a writer, I often hear my fellow writers talk about getting 'out of their comfort zone' in order to write a better book. The idea is that if you're blocked or unhappy or not as successful as you thought you would be, you need to step out of the stuff you're used to doing and do something else, preferably something that challenges your norm, that 'scares' you and makes you uncomfortable and in that new zone [the uncomfortable one] you will find what you've been lacking.

It sounds great.

I just realized the reason I've never been able to get 'out of my comfort zone' is because I don't have a comfort zone. I'm never comfortable. I'm always sort of flying blind - when it comes to writing or anything. I'm not comfortable. I'm by definition, a nervous, worrier. I'm self-conscious. I over think things. I'm too empathetic and often more concerned with what others want, will think, will need, will perceive. So...I decided what I'd like to try is to get INTO a comfort zone for a change. I'd like to be somewhere where I feel confident and secure and where I know the score and all the rules and how to play and what my next move should be.

That sounds great to me.

So in adding to my impressive list of what I want for 2016 - the Year of Good Health - I'm adding a comfort zone to my list of wants. It's not that I don't want to challenge myself, I'm just tired of believing that the only way I can achieve or accomplish something great is to feel bad while I'm doing it.

Yoga - one week

I've been doing yoga nightly for about a week now and I like it. As someone who has always found exercise exhausting and unproductive, I had to let go of a lot of damage in order to be able to give this my all. I'm not going to say that it's a miracle. I hope I will be able to one day but for now, here are the things I've noticed:

* I sit up straighter. I'm much more aware of my posture and I don't have to keep reminding myself not to slouch.

* I breathe better. For a long time I've felt like I couldn't take a deep breath. I've noticed that lessening, maybe because I spend time actually taking deep breaths.

* My inner monologue is about yoga. One of the big things I wanted to change was my constant negative inner monologue, the arguing and ruminating that wasted so much of my energy and kept me stressed. I can't stop talking to myself entirely, but while I'm practicing and at other times too, I find my inner voice is talking to me about moves and stretches, not about old wounds or social commentary or complaints. This is a big plus.

* I'm sore. One of the reasons I wanted to do this was because I'm tired of being in pain. My legs hurt, my back hurts, I'm stiff and sore a lot and I thought it was because I don't do any exercise. After a week of yoga, I'm still sore, more sore in some places and less sore in others. I think my stress level would go way down if I wasn't always in some kind of discomfort but I haven't achieved that yet. Hopefully in time the soreness will go away.

* I enjoy the nothing. One of the poses I do is corpse pose (shavasana), which is basically lying on the floor doing nothing. This has always gone against my nature. I never felt justified in doing nothing because I always felt I had to be productive to prove my worth. Lying down for 20 minutes and just breathing was a waste of time, not to mention uncomfortable. Now I focus on my back, getting it to stretch, making my legs do the work, feeling my spine relax by degrees. It's not doing nothing, in fact, it's quite active. I don't know if it's helping me or not, physically. My back still hurts, but it's given my permission to do 'nothing' and not feel bad about it. That's a start.

* I'm determined. I'm determined to continue. I know from my reading that this isn't something that fixes you up in a week. So I want to check in here periodically with updates and see how I'm doing. Can I give it a year? I hope so.

Battling negativity

I'm tired.

Battling constant negativity is exhausting. It's hard when the negativity comes from within, but when it comes from without it's even worse.

I had to deal with a person today who was looking to pick a fight. Someone who is miserable in their own existence [by choice] and resents anyone who is not also miserable. Someone who only seems to brighten when they are putting someone else down or when they are getting sympathy for their problems. Dealing with them is exhausting in the extreme, and it's one of the reasons I've been seeking inner peace for so long. This is where I learned how to stress, how to worry, how to be resentful and jealous and judgmental and unkind. This is where I learned that it's better to do nothing for anyone else because they will look down on you for it. This is where I learned to take the smallest inconvenience or trouble and turn it into a reason to be unhappy and angry for days or weeks.

Unfortunately I cannot avoid this person. I also cannot change this person because this person takes pleasure in being miserable and difficult and annoying. All I can do is change how I handle myself, and it's a shame that I have to do that, but that's the way it is.

Here's what I wish I could say to this person:

* Get over  yourself. You are far luckier than you think you are. Everyone has problems and yours at the moment are minor compared to the problems of other people.

* Happiness is a choice. Every day you choose to focus on the negative, and so your day gets worse. If you focused on the positive you would have a better time.

* You are not the standard by which others should measure themselves. Just because you don't like something doesn't mean it's wrong for other people to like it. Just because you can't enjoy something doesn't mean others are silly or immature for enjoying it.

* Loneliness is a choice. If you separate yourself from people and disparage them when they try to reach out, you can't expect anyone to want to be around you. Your isolation is your own design.

* 'I can't' really means 'I won't.' Everyday people defy the odds and do things they thought were impossible. When you say 'I can't...' as a response to any suggestion to change or help yourself what you're really saying is 'I won't' - because if you really want to accomplish something, you probably could do it.

* Misery may love company, but company does not love misery. If you're going to complain or judge or gripe or snipe, you can't expect people to want to hang around with you. Be a source of light and people will seek you out.

* You have outlived your ability to make me miserable. I am working hard every single day on not letting your misery affect me, because your misery is your own choice. I don't feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for me because I've spent so many years letting your moods affect me. You should be sorry for that too because none of it was ever necessary.

* I'm on to you. I know that you are a narcissist, and I know that you disparage me and my choices because you're jealous. You can wallow in that or you can get over it and be glad that I turned out as good as I did.

Of course I can't actually say any of this because this person cannot take criticism of any kind, even the smallest amount. This person can't have an intelligent conversation about change because this person has no desire to change because that means work, hard work. I cannot change this person. I can only change how I react.

So I breathe deep and I let it go. It's all I can do.

And it will be enough.

But I'm still damn tired.

Yoga for a Clam

 

 
 
 
In order to pursue a calmer mind, I've started doing yoga. It's not easy because I'm not flexible, but I'm hoping to get better.

I had wanted to take a class, but every time I've ever taken any kind of physical education class, it's been a disaster, so I'm very put off on the idea of paying someone to instruct me and a bunch of other people who are more fit than I am.

 

Fortunately You Tube is rife with yoga instruction and I've found some nice videos to work with. My goal is to be in better shape by the time I'm 50 than I am now. That gives me 18 months to work on my inner and outer health - mind, body and spirit.

 

So far:

 

The struggle with my inner monologue is getting better.

The bullet proof coffee experiment is going well.

My Zen pursuits are bringing me a sense of calm - that is elusive but still doable.

My KonMarie method has extended to my dresser drawers and they look great.

 

My writing is down the tubes unfortunately. Hopefully all this calm will bring me back to a creative place where I'm interested in writing, but for the moment, I'm just not. There's nothing there. No joy at all. So I have to leave it alone until that desire to write overcomes the desire to avoid writing.

 

 

 

The struggle for zen in a non-zen world

I'm torn between two worlds. On the inside I'm desperately trying to create the blueprint for a better, calmer, more Zen existence and on the outside I'm still engaging in the things that cause me stress.

Today I engaged in my inner monologue again, which I absolutely can't stand doing. I also engaged in a Facebook post with someone who only seems capable of making me angry lately.

My zen for the day was shattered. It's hard to keep the inner ocean calm in a world where people are more worried about their right to pack heat than anything else in the world.

It sickens me that there are so many people who really think a world where everyone is armed is a better world to live in than a world where no one needs to be armed. I don't get it. It's frightening to think that fear has made so many people so arrogant to think that if they were armed they could save the world, or save their world or their own life if it was threatened. Perhaps it's wrong to want to live in a peaceful world - and maybe it makes more sense to say hey, we can never create a truly peaceful world because in doing so someone will have to give up their right to be violent. Maybe I'm just living in a pipe dream, but I don't think a world where everyone has a firearm in their pocket is a better or safer one. It makes me physically ill to think some people are so stupid that they do think that.

Anyway, that's not why I'm here - okay, it is why I'm here.

I know I should just work on changing the way I operate and not feel I have to justify it with explanation, but I do feel that way. I feel like I have to say it.

So I come here to say it.

I want 2016 to be the year I leave most of the Internet behind. I want it to be the year I can truly 'let it go' and live my life in my life and not live my life in the middle of the internet lives of everyone else.

I don't know if I can do it. I've been trying to break up with Yahoo for years. I just deleted my extra Facebook account for one of my pen names, but I still have my main one and that one is a problem. I feel tethered to it. I'm just learning what freedom from writing feels like. I don't know if I can handle freedom from the cyber world yet.

Off to make more photos and write some haiku.

The KonMari Method

Organization - something we all have a bit of a love/hate relationship with. I love seeing things organized. I hate doing the work. I go through periods where I organize the crap out of everything and it usually all falls apart at some point.

Apparently this is common, according to Japanese tidying expert Marie Kondo. She wrote a best selling book called The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, which I just bought after going a Google search on the term 'life changing'.

I know how to organize things, and I know how to purge - but according to Ms. Kondo, there is a better - in fact a best - way to do it. It involves a lot of rules that I won't go into here, but the main concept is about getting rid of things that don't bring you joy [or that are not useful - ie - your tax returns may not bring you joy, but you can't really get rid of them.]

So I spent today implementing the parts of her design that make sense to me and discarding the parts that don't [for instance she empties her purse every night and puts everything in it away somewhere. - Normal people don't do that. The reason you have a purse is so that all the things you need if you have to leave the house in a hurry are in ONE PLACE. Separating them is cute until you have to run out in an emergency and have to waste precious time collecting your wallet from under the bed. Let's get real people.] Aside from that, she makes a lot of sense.

Today I purged bags of useless clothes from my closet, organized my shoes, cleaned out my art supplies and dealt with the mind-numbing, depression causing mountain of paperwork that I hate to file and can't get rid of. Turns out I CAN get rid of most of it and now I don't have to keep every scrap of paper that comes down the pike.

I feel lighter.

I feel less stressed and for the first time in weeks, I'm not weary and in pain. I'm not sure the KonMari method can take credit for all of that, but I think it helped.

I also wrapped Christmas presents ,believe it or not and purged a lot of the Christmas crap I've been keeping forever because I 'hated' to get rid of it.

The kitchen is my next target - that's going to be a doozy. Then the basement.

One of the other things Ms. Kondo says is you can't expect others in your household to fall in line with your new maniacal cleaning regime, so don't try. This of  course is my chief source of stress. I can clean up my own stuff, but nobody else will clean up theirs so I'm still living in an ovecluttered house. Her belief is seeing the clean will inspire others to clean. I'm not sure she's married and I don't think she has children. That's why her world is rainbows and  unicorns. But at least I'm in charge of my own stuff and I'm making that work.

What's next in my Zen life-changing project? I don't know but now that I've gotten rid of junk and lowered my stress level, anything is possible.

Zen attempts

Most of the research I've been doing into Zen lifestyle changes mentions taking things slow and doing one thing at a time.

That's not easy for me. I want all the things now. There's so much that needs attention. So I made a list of the things I'm trying to work on all at once. Hopefully I won't bog myself down in the details.

1. Stop the monologue. [I've been having moderate success with calming my mind and avoiding the incessant chatter that used to go on in my head. It hasn't been easy.]

2. Spend time on things that bring me joy or peace. [I'm putting a lot of time into taking pictures and working with them to create images I like. My goal is to spend time doing things that don't make me feel like I'm wasting time.]

3. Find an invigorating activity. [This has been a constant challenge that, to be honest, brings me more stress than enjoyment. Every attempt I've ever made at consistent exercise has turned to crap including the bike riding which actually got harder and more exhausting each time I did it. I would love to learn yoga - and I'd love to take a class, but I have NEVER once been happy taking a phys-ed class. Every one I've ever taken has been a disappointment or a disaster and I don't know if I have the discipline to learn yoga properly on my own.]

4. Declutter. [This is another hard one because all the stuff that's around is not all mine. I could easily declutter my own life, but it would still be entwined with the clutter of others and I don't know what to do about that.]

Photo crazy

All right, I've gone so photo crazy that I started a photo blog where I can put up my images since Pinterest isn't really working that well for me.

It's here: http://zenclamphotoblog.blogspot.com/

And for now I'm posting whenever I want, but I'm going to try a dedicated photo a day for 2016.

I'm just having too much fun playing with photos.

Image obsession

My Photo A Day project is consuming me. I used to love to take pictures, back when you had to have film developed and seeing your photos cost money! I stopped for a while taking pictures as an art form and now I've discovered it again and I love it.

It's funny that I'm having a lot more fun taking photos with my PHONE than I ever did with a camera.

My new dilemma is this though, I'm posting my finished pictures on Pinterest, and I decided to sign them. Not that I'm really worried anyone will steal them, but they are original art work since they're enhanced with photo manipulation software. They're not just pictures, they're a daily work of art. But I'm signing them with my real name, which I don't particularly want to post here. So for now I'm just going to post the original, unretouched photos here.

 

For instance, a collection of veggies.

 

And a close-up of my palm tree.

 

I don't want all my photos to be of stuff around the house though. I'm hoping to have more slice of life photos rather than just a collection of found objects.

 

I think if I can keep this up until the end of the year, I'll start an official 2016 Photo-A-Day blog.

Start Now!

There's no time like the present, so they say. One of the problems that always arises then there's talk of starting something new is - when is a good time? It seems like something always needs to be begun at an auspicious time - like Monday, or the 1st day of the month or the 1st day of the year. What usually happens is, the idea is chosen, the date is chosen for its' auspiciousness and then the path goes awry before the date arrives and the idea never takes form.

Then the cycle starts all over again. The other day I started looking into something called a 365 Project. Taking a photo a day has always interested me. I know people who have done it for a while and I thought it was a nice idea - creative and also therapeutic.

So I decided I would start a Photo a Day Project - but of course - it seems to make sense to start one on a 1st - day of the month or day of the year. A Friday - especially a Friday the 13th seems inauspicious.

Then I reasoned that one of the things I want to start doing is to start doing things. I started bike riding - I just picked a day. I didn't wait until spring or until the first of something. I just started. So I'm doing the same with this and hopefully with all other things I want to do. I'm tired of waiting for the right time to do something.

So without further ado - my Photo a Day Project begins. Whether it lasts a month or a year or forever, we'll see. If I'm still doing it on the 1st of the year, I may call it from that point forward the 2016 Phot a Day Project, but I may not.

Here are my first two photos, from yesterday and today. The theme is 'Things I love' - and basically it will just be images of things that make me happy. I'm taking an unfinished photo and then I'm embellishing a little with GIMP to make the photos more of what I love.

These are both finished photos.

 

A little bird and a nest with polymer clay eggs that sits on my desk.

 

Purple flowers that grow among the rocks at the corner of the street.

 

I probably won't post every photo for every day. I'm using Pinterest to organize the pictures and I'm keeping them in a folder on my hard drive too and considering if I get enough good ones maybe going for broke and making a really nice Snapfish album out of the best of them.

 

The upside of this is so far it doesn't seem like a chore and it's a few minutes a day that I can focus on something creative without pressure.

 

Off to write. No pressure there. ;)

"Mindful" as a buzzword

 This is my carrot soufflé - it turned out delicious!

 

 

I’ve been doing a lot of research on topics like:
 

 ‘no diet diet’ {most hits turn up a diet]
 

Mindful eating [a lot of the hits are good, but many of them are focused on weight loss through mindful eating rather than actual health through mindful eating]
 

Intuitive eating [same as above]
 

Ditch the diet [also same as above – ditch the diet but do something ‘else’ and you will lose weight]
 

So a lot of the research just feels like being sucked into the diet industry cesspool through a different sewer. It’s like bait and switch.
 

I really need to stop researching all together, but that’s a therapy topic for another day. Research is one of my coping mechanisms. If I learn about something I can control it better. So I do a lot of peaking into topics to try to find support for my opinions and beliefs. That in itself is problematic because I need to embrace the idea that I don’t need justification for anything. If this is what I want to do and the way I want t live, I don’t have to see if it’s okay with anybody else, or if research supports it as a good thing or if someone else has had success at it. All I need to know is, this is what I WANT and therefore that makes it okay.
 

I really need to turn my newfound energy to a new project, but I’m torn as usual. There are a lot of things I want to work on, but one of my problems is always feeling like I should be doing something other than what I’m doing. That’s another project in itself – getting to the point where what I’m doing is okay, not because I can justify it by saying it’s the most opportune time to read as opposed to crochet, or I should write now and exercise later because the weather will be better later or I should I exercise now for half an hour and then do laundry for seventeen minutes…
 

It’s an exhausting way to live and I’ve done it for far too long. I’m working on being Zen in that area of my life too. What do I WANT to do? What NEEDS to be done – laundry? Okay, I’ll do that. Then I’ll cook something, then I’ll write if there’s time unless I feel like going for a bike ride, then I’ll do that and to hell with writing. I’ll wash the dishes later because I want to go out in the garden now and I want to write a blog post because if I don’t, I may find myself ruminating on the topic and that will interfere with my calm thoughts.
 

I bet you think I’m going nuts. I may be. But this is all about engineering improvement in whatever way works.
 

As an aside, I finally got myself a bamboo plant and added it to my indoor garden. It’s going to be the start of my mini zen garden.
 

 

 

 



The History of Dysfunctional Eating

 

[My photo today is about being able to enjoy food. As I write this, I've got vegetable soup on the stove and carrot soufflé in the oven and a giant salad in the fridge, because I want them, not because I feel I have to have them.]

 

 

I was probably around 17 when I started really dieting for the first time because that was the era of the skin tight designer jean. Nothing could come between you and your Calvins [I never wore Calvin Klein because I could NOT STAND Brooke Shields who was their spokes model at the time]. I wore Gloria Vanderbilt.

The roller coaster ride went something like this over the course of 31 years:

Slim Fast [chemical laden diet shakes]

Low fat everything
Fat blocking diet chews [I don’t recall the brand]
Weight Watchers [I was never a member because I refuse to pay them, but I followed their rules]
Low fat everything
Slim Fast [because maybe I didn’t do it right the first time?]
Curves [if dieting doesn’t work, try obsessive exercise]
Low fat everything
Calorie counting
Slim Fast [gotta keep trying!]
Fat gram counting
Low fat everything
Salad
Live Don’t Diet [low fat everything]
Eating for Life [low fat everything]
Calorie Counting
Insulin resistance diet
HAES
Paleo *
Keto [high fat everything]*
Counting carb grams
Whole 30
Keto

NO DIET

I’ve been looking back at this blog at all the posts about eating and weight loss and it’s sad. I’ve been so indoctrinated, just like everyone else, that I need to adjust my eating to conform to some type of pre-approved, man-made plan that someone else who wanted to make some money decided was the proper way for humans to eat. I guess my next real step is to stop talking about it for good – but I still find I need some type of support, even if it’s just reading my own blog posts. I’d like to find someone else who is in the same boat.

 

*I’m not actually knocking keto or Paleo – they taught me a lot about nutrition and exposed the lies of the diet industry to me. They were probably the first steps in my learning to actually eat for health.

 

Making headway

(Pumpkin Spice Cappuccino with whipped cream and cinnamon)

 

That title is deceptive. I think I’m making headway, but I’m not really sure. I’ve shut down my constant monologue pretty effectively. Yes, I slip up from time to time, which is why I’m writing the blog more prolifically, but for the most part, I feel a big stress factor in my life has been relieved. I’m not involved in a constant argument with myself or someone else in my head. Trying to keep my mind clear is not easy, but I think I’m getting better at it.

Part of the reason I did so much talking in my head was I think due to inherent loneliness. I’m the background. People don’t notice me. Sometimes even when I’m speaking, so talking to myself was a way to have my opinions heard when no one else was listening. It was a way to fight injustice in a way.

That’s hard to give up, but it’s also liberating – to say, not that no one cares what I have to say, but that I don’t have to explain myself to anyone, including myself. I don’t have to justify everything, even to myself. I can just walk away and not carry any baggage with me.

As for the no-diet diet – it’s not easy to let go of the ‘diet mentality’ that our society insists women especially must live with. I’m still surrounded by people who are terrified of fat, terrified of carbs, terrified of gaining an ounce, hating the gym but forcing themselves to go, freaking out over eating good food at the holidays. It’s sad and disgusting. And I’m not the person who can stand up and say, “For god’s sake, shut up and eat the food. You’re not getting points in heaven for ‘being good’ or talking about ‘being good.’” But I can’t.

Harder still to combat is the ‘instant success’ mentality that the diet industry has also sold us. Because regular diets tend to work in the beginning, I’m used to seeing an immediate change, and so I find I may be looking too hard. I feel less stressed. My legs don’t hurt quite as much and I’m sleeping a little better – but those things are negligible because they change so often.

I have over 30 years of hearing crap like this:

“But it has so much FAT in it!”

“It has real butter? Oh, my God!”
“I have to have diet sweetener!”
“Think of the cholesterol!”
“Only skim milk!!”
“She gained weight! What a shame!”
“She’s too thin!”
“What a butterball!”
“What a chub!”
“I can’t eat that!!”
“You ate all that? What a pig.”
“You’re not going to finish that? What a waste!”
“Put down the salt!”
“You’re eating AGAIN?”
“Why aren’t you eating? What’s wrong?”
“You’re having seconds? What about your diet?”
“You’re not having seconds? Don’t you like it?”
“You’re going to eat that whole piece? What about your diet?”
“You only want a small piece? Are you on a diet or something?”
“Not having any? Oh, you’re being so good.”
“Not having any? Come on, live a little!”

Is it any wonder I don’t know how to trust myself? I’ve spent a lifetime having my every mouthful questioned by someone – often with good intentions but mostly because that’s what the prevailing sheepdom teaches people they should say or do.
 

Years upon years upon years of this have contributed to my classic American female relationship with food.

I eat.

I feel bad.
I starve.
I feel self righteous until I get so hungry I eat more than I need to.
I feel defiant, and then I feel bad and I starve again.

After 31 years of diets, I understand it will take a long time to really let that mindset go for good.

 My new mantra is:

What do I FEEL LIKE eating?

I’m enjoying food a lot more – and I’m on a Fuji Apple kick. I actually look forward to coming home for lunch and having an apple as a side dish/dessert.

Hopefully I can maintain this and improve upon it. We’ll see.

 

Side effects

Remember Fiona, the little pine tree I rescued from CVS? This is her - she's growing well in her larger pot. She has her own pond and a crystal to focus positive energy into her space.

All it takes is time and the right environment for a positive change to occur.

Hopefully that's true with my Zen experiment too.

I'm starting to experience some side effects, though, of shutting down the endless conversations in my head. One of them being the urge to scream on occasion.

I was used to hashing things out. When I couldn't say what I wanted to say in real life, I could walk away and lash out at someone in my head - tell them exactly what I thought without fear of repercussion and get it off my chest. Now, I just walk away and shut the conversation down, which means all those feelings get bottled up, and I'm not sure that's good. I try, as the song says, to 'let it go' - but that's hard, especially when dealing with someone whose default setting is criticism and nitpicking.

Yesterday I received compliments from several people on a new sweater. This person's first sentence to me - 'oh there's a pull in it.' Not, nice sweater - like everyone else had said. Not, hello, how are you. No, the default - here's something I immediately found wrong with your appearance. I'm wearing a sagging old jacket and haven't brushed my hair, but the FIRST thing I see about you is the one flaw in your new outfit. Nice.

I understand this is where this person is coming from. Jealously - rumination - self-pity. It's easier to pick on someone else than to acknowledge feelings of inferiority. But - SIGH - it's hard to take year after year, day after day, walking in and instead of at least hello, how are you, I get 'Oh, I immediately noticed something isn't perfect.'

That kind of behavior disgusts me, and I used to just quietly go and have it out - yell, scream, swear, in my head and let this person have it both barrels all the things I can't say. But now I don't. I hope it doesn't kill me. There's a difference between really letting things go and just shunting them aside until they blow up in your face, and I hope I can maintain the difference or all this Zen is going to end up in my going utterly postal on someone.

Calm as a noun

This is a picture I took down the shore this summer. It completely represents how I'd like my mind to be - balanced, expansive, calm and yet always in motion.

I'm realizing that takes time to accomplish. I no longer have the 'empty headache' that I had for two days. I seem to be getting better at just letting the space in my thoughts fill itself with thoughts rather than with endless, useless conversations.

I'm trying to think without words.

I cleaned out a couple of drawers yesterday and threw away things I haven't looked at or needed in a decade. It felt good. I've got a long way to go and the whole house will never be a Zen paradise but at least my areas my be neater and less cluttered.

It's going to be a lot of work, and it could mean actually letting go of all the things I love to hang on to - the flotsam and jetsam I collect in anticipation of those 'projects' that come along every once in a while that require that inch of ribbon, that one sequin... I'm like a bird or a squirrel collecting little shiny things for that one moment I may need them. Gotta stop that. Make room for thought and breathing and freedom of expression.

I'm actively trying to create Calm.

It's not easy at all. But I think it's worth doing. Off to be editorial.

The Battle of Serenity Valley

Yes, I know that title is a Firefly reference. Everything in life should be a Firefly reference.

The 'battle' I'm referring to is the one in my head. It's been a day. [I had to go look that up because it feels like it's been two days since I shut off all talk radio in my head.]

Here's what I've noticed so far:

* I've had two really good days.
* But I'm extremely aware of the empty space in my thoughts. I've actually had a headache and I think it's from consciously trying NOT to think too much. Is that possible?
* I slept better.
* I feel more engaged with the world, calmer and slightly less stressed.

This could be the placebo effect - but since I plan to keep at this, let's see what long-term effects look like.

It's hard to control your own thoughts. Dozens of times a day I find myself saying, "Stop the conversation," to myself because I naturally want to fall into a discussion with myself about something and I have to take a beat and remind myself that I do not have to rehash a conversation in my head that I just had with a real person. I do not have to revisit an argument I've been having in my head with someone for five years. I do not have to tell myself something I already know.

I'm wrestling with the fear of having a truly blank mind. I don't want to be a mouth-breathing air head who does not have a thought in my brain ...so it worries me. How functional will I be if I'm not always THINKING a million miles a minute? The thing is, I think there's a difference between constructive thinking (i.e. "Where did I put the card with the doctor's phone number on it? I have to remember to deduct that check from my checking account. etc.) and destructive thinking (i.e. "I can't believe she did that again. Oh my god why doesn't she just get the fact that when she does that she...blah blah blah." or "And then he said...blah blah and I should have said blah blah back but instead I said blah blah blah.")

The bottom line so far seems to be that I can still be highly functional and perhaps even MORE highly functional without the endless diatribe that used to run through my consciousness. I feel like I was expending a lot of energy talking to the committee in my head that had to judge everything every minute of every day and rehash rehash rehash and now I not only have that energy to put toward other things, I also have more time to use in a better way as well. How often would I find myself pausing in a task at hand to have a conversation with myself about stuff that was not important? A lot. I could spend sometimes half an hour just stopped while I went over the same old arguments. Granted sometimes the monologue accompanied a task like making the bed or washing dishes, but often times I was just stopped, in the middle of writing something, in the middle of doing something - because I was busy explaining my own viewpoint to myself.

I worry that my viewpoints won't ever get expressed now - and how will that effect me? Will I become stagnant because I haven't talked out a problem in my head or will I end up yelling at people because I neglected to have the 'rehearsal argument' in my head 20 times before I saw them in person?

Does all this sound slightly insane?

I'm wondering if my taking a step toward calming my mind is making me realize what a nutcase I really am.

Oh, well. I plan to keep at it and see what happens.

I have a feeling I'll be blogging a lot more because all those stopped up words have to go somewhere...

Quieting the conversation

Part 1 of the no diet diet involves food. Part 2 involved my brain. I'm a talker, though you wouldn't know it by talking to me. In real life I'm quiet, I'm a listening, I'm foliage. But in my mind I NEVER shut up.

Literally. Never.

I am always engaged in a conversation in my head. Granted oftentimes it's between two characters I'm writing about - the acceptable form of psychotic that's called being a working writer. But a lot of the other times, I'm in that endless loop of "And another thing...!" that we all [or maybe some of us?] do all the time. We [hopefully it's not just me] finish arguments in our heads, win them, trump our opponents and leave them wimpering in the proverbial dust. We rehearse conversations and sometimes just say the things we should say out loud to people but we know it will hurt them, cause a fight, make us look petty, result in nothing changing or everything changing in a way we don't want them to so we remain silent and have the conversation in our heads so it can go the way we want it to go.

This is why I miss exits on the highway and why I forget to take vitamins every day. My mind is elsewhere. I'm having conversations I'm going to have later, conversations I'm never going to have, conversations I had and conversations I should have had. All in my head, all the time. It's exhausting.

So my next project is to STOP the madness. I've turned off the ALL TALK channel in my head. It is NOT easy.

Zen is about clearing the mind, clearing the clutter from our lives. So while I plan to start once again tackling the physical clutter, my chief objective is to tackle the mental clutter.

I heretofore pledge that I will SHUT UP. I will not engage in the conversations in my head that make me angry, self-righteous or distract me from what's in front of me. I will work diligently to quiet my rampaging mind. This means I may blog more, because there might be things I just HAVE to say, but I won't be talking to the people in my head anymore, unless they are fictional characters whose words will be put on paper. No more dress rehearsal conversations, no more decade long arguments with people who are long gone or people who should be long gone. No more constant monologue about any subject just to keep me busy while I'm driving, sitting, sleeping.

It's all about quiet. The conversation is OVER.

The hardest 'diet' ever

It's been a while since I've visited. Once the Beach House was done, I felt a little bereft, with no projects, so I've been sort of floating around, not getting much accomplished.

I've spent the better part of 2015 in sort of a funk. I had begun the year wanting to spend much less time on the computer and more time out in the real world, hence my garden, less writing and I've taken up bike riding [which is to say I've found new way to make myself feel miserable!].

Now that the year is winding down I find that I need a big change to motivate me. Writing has lost so much of it's appeal to me - the industry is so jaded, full of authors churning out mediocre work and making bank on it. I've really stepped back, the problem is that my writing income has become negligible. Now the question is, do I want to keep writing so I can eek out some more money, or do I want to keep writing because I enjoy writing? I don't know the answer at the moment.

But that's really for another post. The point of this one is to talk about the 'dieting' and the various experiments I've conducted. While I enjoy the keto way of eating and I've found that it has made me feel better, done some good with my 'important' numbers and allowed me to eat things I actually like, it has made no lasting impact on my weight.

What I've finally decided is to embark on the most difficult 'diet' yet. What, you say? Are you insane? No. Actually I think I finally got SANE. The diet I'm embarking on is one where I finally train my MIND, not my body. Here's how it goes:

Rule #1:  Eat what you want to eat.
Rule #2: Don't be hungry.
Rule #3: Ignore the scale.
Rule #4: F*ck the diet industry.

Four simple rules - but probably very hard to follow. I pledge right now on October 18th 2015 to STOP the following things:

I will STOP weighing myself.
I will STOP looking for the next better diet or eating plan.
I will STOP feeling guilty for eating things I like.
I will STOP considering the calories, fat or carb content of a food and only consider its nutritional value.
I will STOP letting the diet industry convince me that I should be worrying about all these things all the time and that I am not doing enough to be 'healthy'.

I will NOT enter into a dialogue with any doctor about diet unless it pertains to allergies, nutrients or drug interactions.

I will NOT enter into a dialogue with another person in which I pretend to be worried about my weight or suffering from guilt about what I have eaten.

I will NOT use words like "good" or "bad" to describe my behavior with regard to food.

I will NOT use words like "good" or "bad" to describe food except in the context of flavor or freshness. [i.e. This ice cream is GOOD! or That sour cream went BAD.]

I will NOT allow someone else to shame me into eating or not eating.

I will NOT engage in a constant internal monologue/dialogue about weight loss, health or dieting.

Whew. Sounds rough, right?

I hope I can do it. It's important and it's for my overall physical and mental health.

Wish me luck. Hopefully a year from now I will feel better because of it.

TOH: Ready to move in!

It's FINALLY DONE! Here it is room by room:

The bathroom is decked out in soothing green, ready for a steamy shower.

 

 

 

Brunch is served in the kitchen - fresh bagels, muffins, Danish and banana Belgian waffles!

 

 

 

Pardon the basket of laundry in the bedroom, moving in is a lot of work!

 

 

 

 

Time to relax in the book nook with a great paranormal romance! Plenty of books on the TBR shelf!

 

 

 

A delivery pizza, pretzels, chips and dip and some drinks are ready for movie night in the living room. Just gotta find the remote!

 

Here's one more shot of the kitchen, with burgers and dogs for dinner, a nice plate of veggies to dip and a key lime pie for dessert!

A cozy little cottage at the beach!

Now what? I need a new project...

 

 

 

Accessorize!

Not much has lifted my spirits since my poor little Onnie crossed the Rainbow Bridge, but working in the cottage makes me feel a little better - because I know there's room for his spirit inside.

Here you can catch a glimpse of the big screen TV in the living room - a necessary luxury of course.

 

A painting, a lamp, a doily and a coffee table book about Tuscan wines add a little charm. Now I've got to fill that hutch with interesting curios that reflect life at the beach.

 

 

In the bedroom a framed painting by an up and coming artist cheers the place up. The fluffy white rugs make it cozy on chilly mornings.

In the reading room, a package awaits opening, books line the center shelf of the hutch and a best seller waits to be read on the chair. A lovely framed photo of a beloved friend makes the room even more homey.

An empty space in my heart

 

Onyxander Dax

"Onyx"

 

July 10, 2008 - July 25, 2015

Beloved companion

May he rest in peace and joy

and await me in the Summerland



 

 



Heart [Un]healthy docs

I'm at it again. Long-story short I actually went to the doctor this week for some peri-menopausal symptoms that are probably nothing abnormal, however for my doctor's peace of mind, he's sending me to a cardiologist.

I, of course, did some research:


[Portions of this diet plan have been taken from the website of a cardiologist I have an appointment with. The appointment is for the peace of mind of my primary care doc, NOT for my peace of mind, as he says there’s nothing wrong with me. I looked at the cardio’s website and found this sad bit of nonsense under their diet plan and I had to make an example of it. Typos and ridiculously lacking punctuation are the first two red flags, but let’s take a look, shall we?] [Items in parentheses are my comments]

 [BEGIN]

It is very important that you remember that diets of any kind were made to be followed. [I actually thought they were made to make money for someone but go ahead, let’s labor under your hypotheses]  If you make substitutions to during the program, don’t be surprised when your diet plan fails! [But if you don’t make substitutions, and your diet also fails, can you be surprised?] What we endorse are lifetime rules NOT trendy diets or block dieting programs where days of dieting equals pounds of weight reduction. [OK, here’s a very miniscule bit of wisdom, you may proceed, my mind is open.]

The aging process, starting at approximately age  40  is unkind to all. Small recurrent mistakes in your diet will lead to weight gain. When this happens you will think that you are not eating any different than before. [Actually for many you are NOT eating any differently than before.] Therefore it is essential you think before you eat.

The simple rule is that if it exists naturally it's probably OK holds true for the most part [another small piece of wisdom] . Most of the high calorie mistakes committed occur with man made foods [ok, I’ll give you that one]. You can't find cheese, oil or processed meats occurring naturally. Small quantities of oils, nuts and fruits are good but we here in the USA tend to over do it. The majority of   people in the USA are overweight. [over what weight?]

Remember that your body is going to be adjusting a new diet [my body will actually ‘adjust’ the diet? Or are you not able to write a proper sentence?] . Your body’s metabolism (the way your body gets energy) will be changing but more importantly our diet philosophy focus is around training  YOU  not to fuel your body incorrectly. We rather teach you lifetime rules than follow a daily pre-fixed diet program [wait a minute, what about not making any substitutions? Isn’t that following a daily pre-fixed diet program?]. It is important that you remember that important fact. [So far what I remember most is poor grammar, but go on.]

If you eat to live we can surely help. However, if you love to eat [because enjoying food is bad, bad, BAD!]  it will require a mind set shift. We can help you find it for yourself but ultimately the success of  weight reduction and it's [can’t even get the apostrophes right, can you?] maintenance is dependent on you finding this mental hook to keep you on track. You have all heard of people trying to quit smoking with all efforts failing until one day they just stopped and never went back to it! They found their mental hook.

Your body does not like to have severe alterations in diet. [So therefore you’ll be starting out by doing something your body doesn’t like.] There is an adjustment period that your body will go through to accept this new diet. DON’T make the critical mistake of going off and on this program or make substitutions [because it’s not pre-fixed or anything] YOU feel are OK. If that were the case you would be writing and coaching this weight reduction and maintenance program and not us. [Trust me, I can do a better job that you are so far.] The changes in metabolism and food selection training can be wasted with one night of unrestrained eating [so basically you can NEVER, EVER deviate] . If you know your [you mean ‘you’re?] going into situations that the program does not allow for our program, CALL US FOR TIPS! rather than going off the diet ( even temporarily ). [Not even for a millisecond, because enjoying your life is not allowed.]

Now for the program essentials ........... this is a TEMPLATE .... it gives you an idea ... we make  changes from here based on your size and activity level ...  so this is not exactly the program for YOU! [Wait, what about no substitutions?]

 

BREAKFAST

Cereals we recommend; Fiber One, Puffins or Kashi (Plain), measure one cup and eat with skim milk. [Because LOL – THESE must occur in nature, right? And carbs! Carbs! Carbs are good for your heart!!]

You may have non-calorie liquid with this. If you want coffee, add either skim milk [because all that pesky research about how low-fat or non-fat dairy is actually bad for you, well, that’s just pesky] or non-fat powdered cream substitute [because this also occurs in nature]. Avoid juices and whole milk. [Also avoid reading any CURRENT research that contradicts all these ridiculous rules].

Don't skip breakfast! [Nope, gotta have those occurring in nature cereals!]

As  alternatives to cereal, we recommend that several days a week you make substitutions [wait, what happened to no substitutions?!] with a MET-RX Protein Plus  or a MYOPLEX-Lite drink [Also occurring in nature? Can I grow these in my yard?] . If you wish, you can have a rice cake [Rice cakes are CARBS that GROW IN NATURE!! [Actually they are iin fact refined carbohydrates that are quickly converted by the body into sugar! But hey – they’re low in calories and hence good for you.]] along with the  16 ounce protein drink. The drinks come in several flavors. YES ... YES ... YES ... [Was it good for you?]  the drink option with or without the rice cake is more calories than the cereal but the protein and minerals are worth it. In addition, despite the additional calories we have not seen any less weight loss in patients.Another option, make a small carton of egg beaters or egg whites along with 2 slices of low calorie whole wheat bread (usually ~30 - 40 calories per slice).  [Egg beaters must be from chickens that lay egg-beaters, and of course, carbs, carbs, carbs!!] [FYI - Vegetable Gums (Xanthan Gum, Guar Gum), Maltodextrin. YUM!]

Between any of the meals you may have one RICE CAKE or a small bathroom (Kidde) cup full of Kashi or Fiber One cereal. [Eat out of a bathroom cup, that’s great! Can I grow Kashi and Fiber One in nature?]  You are allowed up to 4 rice cakes or  4 small (Kidde) cups of cereal a day.  [4 rice cakes a day! Oh, the carbs!!] We recommend that you have them between meals or prior to bed if you are hungry. You don’t have to have them!  REMEMBER .... if you eat a rice cake or cereal,  YOU MUST DRINK AT LEAST 12 OUNCES OF NON-CALORIE LIQUID ALONG WITH IT!   Examples are water, seltzer, club soda and diet sodas [because diet sodas occur in nature AND all that artificial sweetener is SO GOOD FOR YOU!].

The rice cakes you pick must be NORMAL size, not the jumbo size. If they are flavored check the calories per cake to make sure that they are not significantly higher than the un-flavored type. [But don’t worry about the carb content at all.]

 LUNCH

You make the salad. [No one else can make the salad?] Make sure not to add fruit. Fruit is not in this diet !!! [Because fruit does not occur in nature like rise cakes and Kashi and diet soda! Wait…] There are too many calories in fruit. [Forget the fiber and vitamins, those are not important]  The salad that you make can be as big as you like. Don’t include olives or avocado. [Because olives are so full of fat and avocados are the devil!]  Depending on other medical conditions you may have you may be able to use some preserved peppers or pickles. [Because preserved peppers and pickles occur in nature]  Make sure to check the calorie content. These items usually have little  calories. The down side is that they are usually very high in sodium content. In, addition to the salad, you must have 12 ounces of liquid along with it. Depending on the doctors evaluation they may or may not allow one or several slices of low sodium turkey breast  or sliced chicken on the salad. [Keep that protein low – your diet must consist mostly of carbs!]

  DINNER

First Option: Dinner with a large salad, steamed vegetables, protein dish of fish, chicken or beef and one carbohydrate. Desert strawberries or blueberries [wait, aren’t they FRUIT??]  and a tablespoon of can whipped cream [also occurs in nature. So avocados are VERBOTEN! But can [not canned] but can whipped cream is A-okay?] . More options with discussion with us. [What??] Portion size is critical. Like the joke of the person with a drinking problem ... I have one drink a day but the glass is VERY LARGE. Portion size is key. We use larger salads and steamed vegetables to make the fill. Be very careful not to use toppings, oils or calorie dressings on any portion of dinner. [Eat everything plain because flavor is BAD] Go over all toppings with the doctor.

Second Option with (2) dinners eaten [Wait, what? So I can eat 2 dinners?] :The first, usually at 4:00 PM or 5:00 PM , the second at 7:00 PM or 8:00PM. You may choose to have both at the same time [Okay so now we can eat two dinners at the same time??], it's your choice. [Wow, a CHOICE??]  The dinners that you can have are MODULAR with this option. DO NOT COOK YOURSELF ! [I would never dream of cooking myself. That sounds dangerous. Oh, wait, do you mean don’t make my own meal with fresh real ingredients? Right, that’s bad.]

The modular dinners that we recommend are;

-LEAN CUISINE [here’s a sample of some Lean Cuisine ingredients: MALTODEXTRIN, FRUCTOSE, SALT, AUTOLYZED YEAST EXTRACT, FLAVOR, MODIFIED CORN STARCH, MIXED TRIGLYCERIDES, CHICKEN BROTH POWDER, WHEAT DEXTRIN, - Yummy right?]

-HEALTHY CHOICE – [Here’s a sample of some Healthy Choice ingredients] [Maltodextrin, Soy Lecithin, Chicken Broth [Contains Flavors], Xanthan Gum, Caramel Color, Natural Flavor], Olive Oil, Isolated Soy Protein Product [Isolated Soy Protein, Modified Food Starch, Starch, Carrageenan, Soy Lecithin]).] [Nothing like a little carrageenan to promote inflammation!]

-WEIGHT WATCHERS – [these also include carrageenen, guar gum, xanthan gum, sugar and a host of other chemicals – Plus, let’s not forget to cook them we are irradiating them in the microwave]

[What the actual fuck? These occur in nature? It’s better to eat a processed, man-made block of frozen chemicals than to cook your own meal? I’m starting to ask myself, is this doc qualified to examine MY heart??]

Each dinner must be taken with 12 ounces of liquid. Remember, this is a modular program DO NOT MAKE substitutions! Don't eat and go to bed! Retire at least 2 hours hours later. [require what at least 2 hours later?]  If you don't chose the modular diet plan, SAVE THE TRAYS!!!!!!!!!!!! Ask the doctor how to use them. [If I don’t chose [really?] the modular diet plan, how would I get the trays to be able to save them??]

 

MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS:

Additionally you should take a multivitamin with minerals daily.

Other herbs and minerals can be discussed on an individual basis.

You must buy a weight scale and weigh yourself daily. [Because obsessing over your weight is healthy!]

The weights can be recorded on a simple ruled piece of paper. [How about a complex ruled piece of paper?] For a visual perspective, chart your weight on graph paper. Ask the doctor if there are any questions on how to do this. [Yes, I’d like to see a list of questions about charting my weight, please.]

The meal that is described in "LUNCH"   can be switched with the meal(s) after 5 P.M.  This may allow some variation in the feeding schedule [feeding schedule? Are we at the zoo?] if work routines require eating at odd times.


Now after you have lost the weight, take the next step and look better! [Because LOOKING BETTER is the goal here, not getting  healthier.]

 [END - some inconsequential deletions have been made so as not to copy the entire text verbatim]

[Sorry, Charlie. This ain’t flyin’ with me. I’m going to see the doctor, but I think if he gives me this diet, I’m going to give him this blog post.]